The Rome Tabloid - (rumors or facts? - you heard it here first) Since it's a BBC series, and by Ceasar, everyone knows the Brits love a good scandel by way of the British Tabloids (The Daily Star), here are some rumors that you all can munch on, refute, or even start your own. Here's what I cannot confirm or deny: -Cato's contract for Season 2 may not be renewed as reviewers says he looks too much like Popeye. -Servilla and Octavia are lovers in real life and HBO wanted to work this into the script. -HBO Admins post ridiculous comments on this site in order to get the community's panties in a knot. -Pompey's beheading was really a snuff film. What rumors have you heard that you cannot confirm or deny? -TeriKarma * Niobe is pregnant by space aliens. Word has it that they are related. * Pullo has a dungeon of slave girls, all of whom are mute. * A diamond has been extracted from Vorenus' arse. * Caesar is a can of small dog food. * Pompey is really Elvis (and thus still alive). -Titus Pullo ********************************** * Pullo becomes lord pimp of Rome and makes millions * Cato has a huge love affair with Marc Anthony's midget Cato in attempt to make the perfect Cato * Niobe joins Octavia and Servilla for the ultimate orgy and the world can finally be at peace. * Cicero's love for Oak trees leads him to become a carpenter of fine wooden flamingo's -The Kiddseven *********************************** Season 2 Changes on HBO Series Rome HBO STUDIOS - Going in a new direction, in Season 2 the Rome producers will replace Kevin McKidd with Mel Gibson. One producer noted, "Testing shows we needed to make a clearer distinction between our two lead characters. Mel can do a terrific, authentic Scottish accent that will work great for Vorenus." Mr. Gibson has reportedly insisted in on wearing "Blue Spaniard" makeup as a condition of his contract. Our intrepid reported has also learned that, in order to save money for more effective battle scenes, HBO intends to replace the entire cast of Rome. Roles will now be played by the following: Volrenus - Mel Gibson (in "Blue Spaniard" makeup) Cato - having learned that Burgess Meridith is dead, the producers have gone with their second choice - Robin Williams. Atia of the Junii- Jennifer Saunders from "Absolutely Fabulous" Octavian - Daniel Radcliffe from "Harry Potter" Servilia of the Junii - Gary Oldman reprising his character from "Bram Stoker's Dracula" Negotiations for further casting is underway. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ********************************** And speaking of scary, The Rome Tabloid (TRT) has just learned that Michael Jackson has committed to building a Rome Theme Park....location still under negotiation. Stay tuned... -TK ********************************** Inside sources have confirmed rumors about Cato the Dwarf's on set temper tantrums, diva-like demands, and 24 hour partying in his trailer with a legion of scantily clad extras. A torrid affair with Polly Walker could not be substantiated, although she has been overheard telling friends that "Large penis on small man is always welcome." "It's unbelievable!" sneered actor James Purejoy. "This sawed-off runt gets more trim than I do!" -KatieDorr *********************************** Extra! Extra! Undisclosed sources have learned that the Rock that Vorenus scribed his note to Niobe on in Ep 7 is now listed on e-bay. Minimum bid is set for $1000. Auction ends midnight, Saturday. Rumor has it that if you turn it over there's also a note to Pullo's slave girl... -TK ********************************** Political intrigue and maneuvering are reported on the Season 2 set of Rome. New cast member Ron Jeremy is reportedly gunning for only remaining original cast member Ray Stevenson's role of Titus Pullo. "He doesn't know anything about how to work 'the button'," Mr. Jeremy is reported to have said. "I know exactly how to give it an exciting twist." HBO executives are said to be reconsidering their decision to replace the original cast members. "This has turned out to be more complicated and expensive than staging effective battle sequences," grumbled one senior exec. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ********************************** Headline: User names TitusVaginus and TitusUranus have been deleted by HBO Admins.... News at 11.... --TK ************************************ Kevin McKidd to return as Vorenus HBO STUDIOS - HBO execs today denied rumors that Rome lead actor Kevin McKidd was to have been replaced by veteran actor Mel Gibson in Season 2 of the series. "It was never going to happen," said one HBO exec. "That was just another rumor spread by an irresponsible tabloid." "Of course they would say that," The Rome Tabloid's inside source retorted. There is no word yet on the fate of the rest of the original Season 1 actors. Mr. Gibson is reported to have said about the incident, "Ye kan take away Vorenus, but ye kanna take away me FREEDOM." In a related story, all of the "Blue Spanaird" makeup is said to have disappeared from the Rome set. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb *************************************** The rock will return in Season 2 and will be played by Val Kilmer. -anyacat *************************************** Intimate moments on Rome set; Jeremy out, Stevenson in. ROME, ITALY - Sources tell TRT that Season 2 addition Ron Jeremy has been given his walking papers. Ray Stevenson's role as Titus Pullo in the HBO series Rome is again secure. After repeated conflicts between Jeremy and Stevenson, Stevenson was reported to have called in friend and fellow actor Kevin McKidd for mediation. "Do not stop, ...do not delay, ...or i will kill you," McKidd reportedly told Jeremy. "I am finished speaking." Jeremy, cosidering the fate of the last character McKidd spoke those lines to, made haste for the nearest exit. HBO execs are said to be talking about steps to return peace to the Season 2 set. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb *************************************** Is there trouble in paradise? Pullo was recently seen canoodling with teen queen Cleopatra in a back room of the Great Sphinx in Geza. Main squeeze Erina remains mum on the subject and when asked for his comment, Pullo told this reporter to "Mumph off." -- "I came. I saw. I tripped over my own feet." -anyacat **************************************** Story of the day-Erastes Fulmen enforcer for New York Mafia Family The Rome Tattler has confirmed reports that in real life Erastes Fulmen is actually the notorious enforcer "Fredo the Finger" for the Antonius Crime Family.It has been reported that Evander had dipped his wick in the wrong lamp and has been sent to swim with the fishes minus his thumbs and other body parts and with some heavy cement shoes. Timon the horse Jew is actually a jockey,but has so far ridden no winners either of the four footed or two footed variety. -boadicea **************************************** Cato to try new home cure for constipation. ROME - For a number of years now, many of Portios Cato's fellow Senators have noted the strained look on his face and the stilted walk of a man who has not had a decent cak since Apollo only knows when. However, relief may be on its way. Cato has informed this reporter that he has devised a new method of relieving constipation, which he intends to test on himself shortly. When asked about the safety of such a treatment, Cato responded, "Fear not! Although it would be safer if the zipper had been invented, these stitches should hold just fine." We wish our distinguished elder statesman the best in this endeavor. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb **************************************** Public Anouncement: Refined Pleasures ROME - Servilla of the Julii anounces her new training course "Weaving For Young Ladies". If you are a comely young patrician lass, and are interested in learning the most gratifying way to manipulate a shuttle or the fine art of beating a rug while you man is away fighting Pompey, come ask for Servilla at the Julii Estates. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb **************************************** TRT Morning News (Real News for Real Romans - sponsored by Roman Bread)... - There are now 72 Legions formed as of this date. New Legions are worried they will run out of Roman numerals. The current Legions are preparing a march on Washington for later this month. However, government officials are blustering about whether to give them a permit. "Our march is peaceful," said a member of Legion 10, "Just because we're Roman Soldiers, doesn't mean we're all about war!" But sources say that unless Legion t-shirts are delivered soon, they'll be no march! - Angela Jolie is being wooed to replace the current Cleo. Jolie is still undecided; however, rumors have it that if she does, Brad Pitt wants to reprise his role of Achilles from Troy. While his role would not be in this time period, he said, "I'm a God now, so I could easily play a God back then." -Closer to home, HBO Admins are in a frenzy about the "Crack Ho Cleopatra better not touch Vorenus" thread, saying there have been complaints that all of the real Roman historians are posting on this thread and not posting on others. "It's a shame," said one Admin, "So much historic knowledge being soaked up by this one thread while other postings are not getting any thread time." HBO Admins will reconvene after Ep 8. -Look for our new "Dear Servilla" column coming soon. Advertisement: Try our new Roman Bread with sesame seeds. A wonderful compliment with stuffed field mice. -TK ***************************************** Dateline TRT: It seems at Kenneth Cranham (Pompey) is fighting HBO for the rights to the bowl his head is placed in, in Episode 8. He's stating that the surgery to remove his head and vise versea causes him to piss his pants and forget everything for 30 minutes. It is also reported that Mr. Cranham is still looking for his car in the mall parking lot. Negotiation will continune through the weekend, but HBO is stating that Mr. Cranham should have quit while he was a head.................. In other breaking news, Cato to have sex change and Pullo to have vocal cord surgery..... Cato was quoted saying "I want to able to enjoy the benefits of woman, plus Servilla and Octavia will let me join them." Rumors of Pullo vocal cord surgery are sprouting about. It is said that he wants to sound like Barry White to better his odds with the ladies......... Will Pompey find a place for his head. Will Cato join the Circle of Love, and Will Pullo finally say "I cant get enough of your lovin, Baby"... -Kiddseven *************************************** ROME, ITALY - TRT has learned that the rock in Season 1 was, in fact, Val Kilmer. "What an actor!" exclaimed Kevin McKidd, who portrays Lucious Vorenus and wielded the sword in Mr. Kilmer's moving scene. "I would not have notice except for a little blood, which I thought you could not get from a stone. Fortunately we were able to clean up that bit in the edit." TRT field reporters are franticly searching for proof of other famous actor cameos in Season 1 of Rome. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb *************************************** Update: Val Kilmer will not return in Season 2 Our intrepid reporter has learned that Val Kilmer will not reprise his role as the rock in Season 2 of Rome. Apparently harsh feelings remain from his experience in Season 1. "It wasn't that McKidd tried to carve the message from Vorenus to Niobe on me," Kilmer was reported to have said. "It's when he turned me over and tried to carve Pullo's message on my ass!" HBO is said to be reconsidering putting Mr. Kilmer's name up for an Emmy. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb **************************************** Now on The 10:00 News: The Rock has filed suit in the Forum Romanum against Val Kilmer for copyright infringement in trying to appropriate the appelation 'rock.' His legal counsel, Dr Evil, is asking for a settlement of 100 trillion million dollars, to be placed in a secret volcano lair located somewhere in the caldera of Mt Vesuvius. -sweetm **************************************** This just in... Actors Fued Disrupts Production Tension mounts on HBO set ROME, ITALY - Word has it that the rivalry between James Purejoy and Cato The Dwarf has reached the boiling point. An anonymous source disclosed that Purejoy is fuming over Cato's full frontal nude scene, scheduled for airing in season 2 of the popular series. "Totally gratuitous" snorted Purejoy, when reached for comment. Cato would not return our calls, but friends say he is fed up with James's head noogies and cock-blocking on-set. Stay tuned... -KatieDorr ************************************ TRT Afternoon News (Real News for Real Romans - sponsored by Roman Bread)... This just in: Titus Pullo has started a Rock Band with himself as drummer. Lucius Vorneus has agreed to be lead singer ("Did you see my work in 'Topsy Turvy?' Of course I can do it!"). The new band is still looking for a lead guitarist and bass as well as back-up singers as well as a name. They were going to call themselves "The Eagles" after the notable eagle symbol that is the band logo, but that name was already taken. The band will play hard-rock and heavy metal. Their first album will be entitled: "Welcome to the Empire!" This also in: in addition to being a drummer for this new band, Titus Pullo is considering stepping into the ring as a gladitor. His manager, Erastes Fulmen, has this to say, "The kid's a natural! I don't think we'll even have to fix the fights to have him win." Fulmen is hoping to get former senator Cato to be Pullo's trainer and corner man. -Thirteen31 ************************************** SPECIAL BULLETIN: PULLO RECIEVES MESSAGES FROM THE GODS Sources tell TRT that Titus Pullo has been telling the citizens of Rome that he has recieved radio transmissions through the metal plate in his head from the Gods. According to our source, Pullo has claimed to have spoken with "Jeff" the Roman God of Biscuits, and "Simon" the Roman God of Hairdos. This outrageous claim comes on the heels of yet another scandal in which Pullo, in a drunken stupor at a dinner party, asked Octavia of the Julii: "How would you like your eggs for breakfast.... hard-boiled or impregnated?" As we all know, Octavia likes her eggs "in a box", but the rude comment enraged Octavia's brother, Octavian, and he attemped to stab Pullo with a butter knife. Being a middling swordsman, Octavian missed his intended target, and instead struck Val Kilmer, who was pretending to be a decorative rock in a nearby fountain. "If Pullo speaks to the Gods, than I am a flower laden, gold pulling, slave dragging, oxen's arsehole!" sneered Marc Anthony. Antony has been insanely jealous since Pullo's hair pulling, wine spilling escapades at the local whorehouse won him a string of female admirers. "I am better looking, better smelling, and I have more money!" exclaimed Antony. "This suggestion that the God of Hairdos has spoken to him is pure strategum. He doesn't even HAVE any hair!" Pullo was actually reached for comment, but passed out before he could finish. All we could make out was something about "fire" and "Helen of Troy." More to come soon... -Kynkari **************************************** > I should have KNOWN you would be the one to pick up > on the obscure Izzard reference! > > Cake or Death? > > I think I'll have the cake, sir. > > Kynkari Well, we're OUT of cake! I must admit I've been quoting Eddie throughout 'Rome'. Case in point: his description of how Latin might have sounded, as it's now a dead language (spoken, I mean)... (squawky teenage voice with bizarre accent) "'Ello, we're the Roooomans!" *cough* Sorry. Back to your regularly scheduled programme. *puts on tinfoil beanie to stop space aliens from using metal plate for strategic sheep purposes* -TP ************************************************ TRT...This just in... As a result of this breaking news, e-bay has pulled the plug on the "rock" auction siting too many suspicious bids. Owners had hoped the rock would fetch over $100,000 which would go to Pompeii, a resort town near Mt. Vesuvius. Pompeii was recently a victim of rampant pillaging by the Gypos. The people of Pompeii want to rebuild their city to last 1000 years! A Tribune of Pompeii was not disheartened saying, "This city will rebuild no matter what e-bay or those Gypos do to us. With this beautiful view of Mt. Vesuvius we can't go wrong!" Mr. Kilmer had no comment. -TK *************************************************** NEWS FLASH! Eddie Izzard visits The Roman Tabloid. We'll return right after this break... Eddie Izzard threadjacking... > Finish these sentences: > "Help! I'm covered in....." Beeeeeees! > "I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves > from this tree then prehaps I should, ...." ... so that other giraffes will die. > What have you been reading, the gospel according to ...." St Bastard! > And the Bonus round: > "This is a stick up. Give me all your...." Bugger, not recalling that one off hand, so I'll say > "badgers". Answer? > > And I keep picturing imperialistic Caesar (can of > small dog food, for small yappy-type dogs of course) > claiming Gaul: "FLAG!" *plants flag* Do you have a flag?? No flag, no country, that's the rules. -TP ********************************************** THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE ROMAN EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM: TRT staff reporter Kynkari stabbed in the throat by fellow staff reporters for quoting too much Eddie Izzard. Kynkari was last seen nursing her wound and riding off on into the sunset on an evil giraffe. More news at the winter soltice. *whispers to TitusPullo through clenched teeth...broooown breeaaad...IM or email or something before we get stoned for threadjacking...* -Kynkari ******************************************** (I like my men like I like my coffee...strong...with a spoon in them). Ptolemy XIII role recast to Eddie Izzard HBO STUDIOS - In a stunning last minute change, HBO has decided to recast the role of Ptolemy XIII to Eddie Izzard. "Eddie looks better in the makeup," one HBO exec is reported to have said. "If we can fit him into the costumes, it's a go!" Casting confusion still plagues the Rome set, and this change jut two days before the airing of Episode 8 will require some very speedy reshoots. In an unrelated note, Val Kilmer was admitted to Cedar Sinai to remove a butter knife from his rectum. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ************************************************ ATTENTION ALL ROME TABLOID READERS!!! Roman news for Roman people is getting so large that we're expanding our presses. See our new Dear Servilla Advice Column thread. Servilla (pseudonym) is one of our award winning columnists. With a B.S. in Roman Psychology, she's the one who can answer all your questions. Visit her thread when in doubt about anything. NOTICE: Obituaries will only be printed in Sunday's Tabloid after 10:00 p.m. EST. -TK ************************************************* And speaking of scarier and scarier... Our field reporter has just learned that the "ROME Theme Park", under construction by Michael Jackson, has burned to the ground by what was termed as "an act of God." An exclusive interview with Michael.... Visibly shaken, Michael is quoted as saying, "Gee, the Flavian Ampitheater was almost complete when out of nowhere these black, thunderous clouds came very close to the ground and a then a horrendous flash of lightning hit one of the flags...it started burning...and oh, the horror, the horror!" After being calmed down by sister, Janet, Michael went on to say, "Someone just doesn't want me to build this...." TRT Later... -TK ********************************************* Butter knife surgery going well. CEDAR SINAI HOSPITAL - Doctors at Cedar Sinai report that the operation to remove the butter knife from Val Kilmer's arse is going well. Doctors expect Mr. Kilmer's recovery to proceed smoothly. "We rarely see complications in injuries such as these," noted Dr. Jerome Howard. "Oh, there was that one case with Karl Johnson, but I understand he's turn that look into a profitable character element." -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ********************************************* HEADLINE... SECRET HBO ADMIN WEB SITE DISCOVERED!!! Information has been leaked by a secret source that while looking for web sites against the Republic, authorities stumbled across a web site called HBO/ADMIN/DELETED_ROME_USER_POSTS. Upon their perusal of the site they discovered a link called "Posts Not Fit for Roman Consumption". Upon clicking, they found it was a pay-per-view site. Scandal! said an unnamed security geek, who immediately turned the site over to HBO Execs for inquiry. Rumor has it that it was filled with TitusPullo posts... Visa and Mastercard accepted! -TK ******************************************** CAA Says to Get Off Kilmer's Ass HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - Omnipotent talent agency, Creative Artists Agency, has reportedly threa...advised our reporting staff to back off further stories regarding their client Mr. Val Kilmer, his preference for roles as rocks, or complications concerning his ass. They noted they had a rather clever 16 year on on staff, who was not to be triffled with. In lieu of Kilmer baiting, a CAA spokesperson reportedly advise TRT staff members to "have at" their other superstar client, Eddie Izzard. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ********************************************* TRT News at Night (Sponsored by Nobody Nose, the Nose Experts) Rome, Italy. A tin of Blue Spaniard Makeup was listed on e-bay today. Buyer must pay shipping costs from Australia. No Reserve. Proceeds to go to the People of Pompeii. Auction ends Sunday, 7 p.m. EST. In other news, the winner of the 69 contest - clarification; The person who was the 69th visitor to The Roman Tabloid thread did not pick up his prize as posted earlier. The Chief Editor has decided it's still up for grabs. If you are interested in being a winner click the "CLICKY":* CLICKY Advertisement: Do you hate your nose? Did someone cut it off in the latest battle? If so, come visit the Nobody Nose store. We'll hammer out a great fitting nose in no time. Custom made to fit from ear to ear comfortably. Disclaimer: May piss off tired Roman soldiers. -TK ********************************************* TRT SPECIAL EDITION: The winner of the 69 contest - clarification; The person who was the 69th visitor to The Roman Tabloid thread DID pick up HER prize as soon as she was notified. Due to the fact that she has the attention span of a chipmunk on amphetamines, she is still rummaging around her special "CLICKY", soaking in the sights, and sampling the "JAM." In her own words, "JEEEZY CREEEZY!" She has since attacked the Chief Editor with a butter knife, mysteriously bent in the shape of Val Kilmer's arse, for trying to give away her hard won prize. -Kynkari ******************************************** Bugger, not recalling that one off hand, so I'll say "badgers". Answer? And I keep picturing imperialistic Caesar (can of small dog food, for small yappy-type dogs of course) claiming Gaul: "FLAG!" *plants flag* -TP ************************************************ TRT Morning News (Sponsored by Body Surfers, Inc) -HEADLINE: PAY PER VIEW SCANDAL NOT HBO'S FAULT! In an unprecedented move today, HBO Execs decided to come clean regarding the Deleted Rome User Posts being on a PPV web site. "Clearly a misunderstanding," said an HBO spokesperson, "It's simply a case of the Recycle Bin being moved by some geek to the PPV site, a computer error in otherwords." Undisclosed sources say the geek has been "fed to the dogs!" It's been discovered that the TitusPullo posts are now on e-bay. -$250,000 Goes to the City of Pompeii! A city Tribune announced today that $250,000 was wired to the city's bank fund by an anonymous benefactor. Rumors abound that it's the profit from the PPV Deleted User Posts scandal. Investigation still pending. Advertisement: Always wanted that island dream vacation, but don't have the means to get there? Fear not! Body Surfers, Inc. has just the deal for you with their Build Your Own Raft Kit. Two models available: Kit 1 includes 10 Blow Up Dolls, 6 broken oars, and 50 feet of twine for $9.99. Or you can get the Kit 2 Super Model that includes, 8 dead bodies, 4 wooden beams from a ship, and 100 feet of anker line, all for $999.95. Have a great morning! --TeriKarma ***************************************** Early, Early Morning News (Sponsored by Leather Express) Rome, Italy. Sources have learned that Sunday's October 16 show will be preempted for Caesar's Inaugural Address. Forum fans are in an uproar! We stopped a fan on the street who had this to say, "We love Caesar, as we loved Pompey, but cripey, this has gone too far! We were really looking forward to seeing him and Cleo get it on. This is no time for speeches!" TRT is not sure how long the address will last, but it could go well after primetime. Advertisement: Is your armor full of holes? Don't worry, Leather Express will make it all better. We make custom leather bodice armor shaped with muscle like features to make you look like a Roman who works out! You can adorn them with your standard, horses, or have them notched with your number of kills or woman conquests. We also sell custom-made whips for your frustrated pleasure. Stop by the store today for our "buy one get laid free" special. TRT signing out. -TK ********************************************** TRT Reporter Rceives Court Order To Stay Away From James Purefoy Follow-up to TRT Early, Early Morning News LONDON, ENGLAND - In a blantat disregard for freedom of the press, a London Court issue a restraining order against The Rome Tabloid chief editor and reporter from getting with 1000 yards of James Purefoy. "She had me up all night," a blearied eyed Purefoy reportedly said. "I don't think she had been drinking, but she did have an odd smell of sheep dip." "I wouln't mind, except they keep purposely mispelling my name," Purejoy...um...Purefoy added, "and they are STILL giving all of the headlines to Titus Pullo and Cato the Dwarf," Our usually unreserved chief editor and reporter had uncharacteristicly few word to say about her Saturday late night / early Sunday morning escapades. "Do you know how much work it is to find a heard of sheep and keep them in place along his route home," she asked. London street crews were reported outside of Purefoy's home removing large piles of manuer, which had accumulated overnight. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ********************************************* Union of Footstool Slaves to stage protest! The union of slaves used as footstools and stepping stones has announced that they will be going on strike until chiropractic services are included in their health care benefits! "Do you know how out of alignment our spines get?" A union organizer demanded. "We are speciality slaves and we deserve special considerations!" Negotions are going on even now at Caesar's Egyptian camp. Advertisement: Home-You-Go movable Egyptian homes and cottages. We can build you the traveling domicile of your dreams complete with sofas, curtains and statuary. -Thirteen31 ********************************************** Headline:Caesar = Supernanny 2 Caesar will be appearing in Supernanny 2: Toppling Ptolomey.After he and his british accent quelled boys tirades and consigned his former nannies heads to spikes he was tapped as front runner for this springs much awaited second Supernanny series. A spokesperson for the show says that at some point a screaming infant of questionable paternity and an Opium addict will be added.Critics believe the latter two will present no formidable problem for Ceasar, after all he "conquered Gaul and Pompey Magnus". -sinserious ********************************************* TRT Obituaries: -Pompey Magnus died last week of complications to the neck. He is survived by his third wife, two step children, and Cicero and Cato. A memorial was to be held in the Egypt Temple of Gods, but his body could not be found. -Ptolemy XIII died Sunday evening after having a temper tantrum and then drinking too much water afterward. He is survived by his sister and wife, Cleopatra. No memorial service will be held. -TK ************************************************ TRT Mid-Morning News (Sponsored by Miss Cleo Predics) Eqypt. Three heads were found on decorative spikes outside Queen Cleopatra's palace today. When asked how they got there, the nefarious Cleo had this to say, "I must say, men are always losing their head over me." Her brother, Ptolemy, could not be found for comment. In other news, a body was found in a ditch today by a Roman soldier stopping to take a leak by the wayside. Egypt's coroner was called to the scene. It is thought that the body may be Pompey's, but the forensic investigation is still underway. If, in fact, the body is indeed Pompey's, the Gypos will have some explaining to do. Rumor has it, though, that Caesar has already taken care of the situation. Advertisement: Are you worried Voren...er, your favorite Roman soldier will have sex before he gets home to you? Do you think your big guy may have humped some minx while out of town, but your still remaining mum on the subject? Will Caesar stay with his new queen or is it just a phase? Call Miss Cleo Predicts for all your predictions. $100 sestertius for a full 12 episode prediction. $50 sestertius for a 3 episode read, and $1 sestertius for a coming attraction teaser. 24 Hour Hotline: 1-ILI-KED-ICKS. TRT over and out. -TK ******************************************** TRT Newsbreak! WWW.HBO. News was received today regarding a "CLICKY" on the Rome Forum web site that when clicked gives posters an orgasm and a lust for more! "I just can't get enough of it," said one user, who chose to remain anonymous. "I clicky and clicky and oh, oh, oh, oh!" Our reporter found the so-called orgazmo CLICKY, and TRT feels our readers should find out for themselves. Clicky at your own risky: "CLICKY" (Sound byte for "Wing"..an Asian woman who shreeks) TRT would like to thank TitusPullo for the use of the word clicky. Your check is in the mail. -TK ****************************************** Egyptian Association Announces New Policies ALEXANDRIA, EGYPT - The Egyptian Grooming Association to Divinities (EGAD), have announced new policies for those foreign visitors servicing the queen. If you are of lowest rank, no assistance will be provided. We will, however, ululate in approval if appropriate. If you are of Centurion rank or above, a complimentary reach-around will be provided as necessary. If you are general of the army, Consular of Rome or all of the above, please note that you may take any port you wish. We wish you a pleasant stay while enjoying the best of Egypt. Come again. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ********************************************** Sorry, but that's Stargate - wrong cable channel. > Wait a second, though. McKidd's eyes do glow! Hmmm. I > smell a crossover episode coming. Well, they ARE in Egypt, and I AM a science fiction writer... Vorenus and Pullo on patrol in a set of ancient ruins, somewhere in the desert PULLO: Did I say it was hotter than Vulcan's dick? I should've said it was hotter than Aphrodite's cunny. And we're stuck here while the general does his business, although I have to say that was some fairly prime business, heh heh-- VORENUS: Shut up. PULLO: Shutting up, sir. Er-- VORENUS: What? PULLO: Not meaning to bother you or anything, but you being an educated man and all, what's that spinny whooshy thing over there? They stop behind a pillar and stare at a working Stargate. PULLO: Mars' balls! A gush of event horizon blasts into the temple, and Daniel, Sam, Teal'c and Mitchell come through DANIEL: Uh, this doesn't look like PX1966. MITCHELL: Don't tell me the freaking thing misdialed AGAIN. DANIEL: Not unless you misdialed it. Looks like, uh-- He sees Vorenus and Pullo, and blinks. DANIEL: Ancient Egypt during the Roman occupation, actually. VORENUS: (unsheathes his sword and takes up position) Halt in the name of Rome! MITCHELL: Daniel, what did the nice man with the sword say? DANIEL: He's speaking classic Latin -- told us to halt in the name of Rome. MITCHELL: Teal'c? TEAL'C: Yes, Mitchell? MITCHELL: Your staff weapon is, like, charged and everything, right? TEAL'C (raises an eyebrow): I never travel with a discharged weapon, Mitchell. MITCHELL: Juuust checking. And I could go on -- but I won't. Although it would be rather fun to watch Sam take Pullo down with a judo move after he calls her a "flower." -HoosierRed ************************************************* TRT MOVIE LISTINGS at an Amphitheater near you! *Rome Meets the Stargates, showings at IV, VI, X p.m. and again at IV, VI, X p.m. *Romespotting, showings at IX, X, XII p.m. *Servillaville, showings at IV, VI, VIII p.m. *The Romefather, showings at IX, XII p.m. *The Real Cleopatra as Told by Titus Pullo, no passes, showing all day. *Gladiator, special showing at Colosseum only, IX p.m. -- *Legion 69 - It's all about the ratings* -TeriKarma **************************************************** TRT Late Morning News (Sponsored by The Egyptian Wig Company) HEADLINE: BLUE SPANIARD MAKEUP GOES FOR $50K! Syndey, Austrailia. The Blue Spaniard Makeup which went missing two weeks ago, was sold for $50K on e-bay Sunday evening. The buyer, user name BruteCis, is new to the e-bay community. It appears the only other purchase made by BruteCis was for two small daggers which went for $9.99 apiece. Alexandria, Egypt. Alexandria has received up to 8 inches of rain this past month. A High Priestess for the city says that this is very unusual for this time of year. "We've never had 8 inches before, now we'll have to coin the phrase Wet as October." Advertisement: Are you having trouble fixing your natural hair every morning? Do you have calics? How about head lice? And balding men, are you still wearing that ridiculous comb over? Come on now, you don't have to put up with it anymore. The Egyptian Wig Company has beautiful fake hair just for you! We have an assortment of styles for you to try. Try our Woven Used Mop, or best selling Pubis Maximus, made from real pubic hair. All styles come with a guarantee of one year or death, whichever comes first. Stop by our warehouse today. -TK ************************************************** I've read that these pubic wigs were real, called 'merkins'. They were used by prostitutes for, among other things, hiding sores caught in the line of duty. I'm a real fountain of knowledge, eh? *cough* CLICKY for merkins! : A merkin is somebody who lives in Merika. (Har!) They used to shave off all the pubic hair as a cure for syphillis, so the well-to-do used wigs. Before penicillin was around to ease the lives of the promiscuous, these were used to cover up any sores prostitutes may have obtained in the line of duty. They used to treat the syphilitic with mercury, which caused baldness. The merkin is for women with no pubic hair. Some people just don't develop hair down there, and this can be embarrassing. In days of old a common problem was lice. One of the ways people dealt with this was to shave all the hair off their bodies, including arms, legs, and pubes. Wigs became very popular. Pubic wigs caught on slowly, starting among the kinkier set, but eventually became halfway respectable. A merkin is a crotch wig for both men and women and is usually worn on the outside. Have you ever seen a Scot in full regalia? That little fur "purse" in front is a merkin. In a country of mainly dark haired people, a prostitute may wear a blond merkin to be unusual and therefore more desirable. (Got this from a dictionary of sex.) One of the more recent uses is to allow exotic dancers to comply with local laws prohibiting full nudity. They wear what amounts to a flesh-colored panty with hair on the front, appearing to the patrons of the establishment to disrobe completely without actually doing so. In a sci fi story by John Varley called something like "The Barbie Murders," a group of women gives up individuality (and sex) and undergoes surgery to become perfect nonsexual beings resembling Barbie dolls. This involves losing genitals, pubic hair, etc. One Barbie goes back to being a woman for a night, painting on nipples and using a merkin. -TP ************************************************ > I've read that these pubic wigs were real, called > > 'merkins'. They were used by prostitutes for, > among > > other things, hiding sores caught in the line of > > duty. > > > And all this time I thought a merkin was Texas slang > for American. As in "I'm proud to be a merkin." Oh dear, you've gone and made me post... I'm proud to be a merkin Where at least I cover sores And I won't forget the men who came And gave sick minge to whores And I'll gladly stick on next to poon And defend her where she pees There ain't no doubt I love this crotch Gods bless the vile cunny! (Ah scruttocks, I may have blown another joke with my Queen's English [heh]... guess I should give a linky for 'minge' for the Merkins in the audience) -TP ******************************************** > TRT MUSIC REVIEW: The latest music release from TP > Daddy, "Merkin Minge" has hit the No. 1 spot on the > Roman Billboard Charts. The record stores cannot > keep it in stock! Atia had this to say: "It has a > nice tune and you can dance to it. I'd give it a > 10!" I suppose I should give apologies to Lee Redwood for buggering up his song. TP Daddy? Heh. Sounds a bit... DJ Bog Roll? MC Arsewipe? Sir Shitsalot? Poop Dogg? Right, I'll get me coat. -TP ******************************************* Titus Pullo And Willie Nelson Plan "Hello Ladies" Tour NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE - Titus Pullo (aka TP Daddy) and Willie Nelson announced today that they are planning a world tour, starting in France and continuing through Greece and Egypt. Further countries and dates are to be scheduled. "What can I say, the image of wigs has declined worldwide, and Pullo's "I'm Proud To Be A Merkin" is just the sort of song to restore faith in hairpieces," said Willie Nelson. Talks are underway to schedule Eddie Izzard as the opening act. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ********************************************** Lee Redwood Claims TP Daddy Busted His Tune NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE - In a disturbing development to the "Hello Ladies" Tour planned by country music superstars Willie Nelson and TP Daddy, Lee Redwood today claimed that TP Daddy's latest smash hit uses unauthorized samples of Lee Redwood's earlier work. "Branson, Missori REPRESENT!" shouted an outraged Lee Redwood. "TP Daddy's sword ain't nuttin'! When me and my shutgun git there, he ain't going to be nuttin' either." "Hello Ladies" tour planner Lucius "V-man" Vorenus had no comment on the impact of this development on the tour schedule, or on any security changes necessary. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ****************************************** Lee Redwood Dead NASHVILLE, TN - In a further disturbing development in the "Hello Ladies" tour by Willie Nelson & Titus Pullo, Lee Redwood's body was found in a Nashville sewer, curiously devoid of opposable digits. Nelson expressed deep regrets at the loss of a fellow country music legend, vowing to continue the tour as a tribute to his fallen comrade. Pullo could be reached for comment, but his comments are not printable. In other news, Julio Iglesias has agreed to join the tour as well. Fans may look forward to the trio singing "To All The Girls I've Loved Before". -TP ***************************************** > ...and for that matter, exactly how does a Scottsman > get a trouser tent when he's not wearing any pants! Silly, Scots don't wear pants under the kilt. (Pants is undies where I come from, just so's I don't blow that joke too.) Fine, new term: the sporran is designed to cover the kiltworm. -TP ****************************************** > I stand educated by TitusPullo's hidden > clicky. You are a sick man TitusPullo. Ah, so you found the bonny Flower Of Scotland. Ye puir bastirt. -TP **************************************** TRT EVENING NEWS (Sponsored by Merkin for Men) NY,NY. Problems occured at the opening show of the "Hello Ladies" tour staring Willie Nelson and TP Daddy. Fans stormed the dressing room and demanded to see what was under their kilts! V-Man Security was unable to perfor...wait, this just in, Willie and TP were both taken to the hospital. It seems their merkins, er, sporrans, were stolen by frenzied fans who ran off with them. The hospital reports that Willie's willy and TP's big daddy are in nurses care as we speak. Julio Iglesias who was unhurt could not translate his thoughts from Spanish to English quick enough to comment. We'll keep you updated as this story unfolds. Advertisment: Are you tired of shaving your ass and balls? Or, better yet, are you just too hairy to care? Try Merkin for Men. Merkin for Men is a new revolutionary product that when worn makes your package look fit for trim, er, fit and trim. Just put it on and your ready to rock. Made in Spaniard Blue or new Blood Red colors. Visit our web site today and order yours! Prices vary depending on size. Wishing you pleasant dreams. Your on-the-ball reporter...ring ding diddle ah de ad ee oh. Later. -TeriKarma ************************************************ TRT Morning News (Sponsored by Chariot Limo Service) Rome, Italy. Our on-the-troll reporter today has heard that the Town Cryer is in the hospital having stomach staple surgery. Before he went under the knife, he had this to say, "The Roman Senate, trying to save money for fear of grain shortages, has decided not to keep my two escorts who help me on and off the podium. My only resort is have this operation." When asked about employer discrimination, Mr. Cryer said, "Christ! This is Rome for God's sake, it's 54BC, they don't care about such stuff!" Our reporter is still looking up the word Christ, as he's never heard it before. We'll give you an update of Mr. Cryer's condition later in the week. Los Angeles, USA. Word on the street has it that work productivity is down due to people being on the www.hbo/rome web site all day and not getting anything else done. A lawsuit is being considered by employers, husbands, wives, and neglected children to stop this wasteful use of time. HBO, not wanting to bear the cost of a lawsuit, has created a web site to help the employers, etc., to understand more about HBO's commitment to the work ethic. To view this site: "CLICKY" Advertisement: Do you imbibe the wine so much that you can't make it home from the drinkery? After tying one on, do you try to stumble home only to wake up on your neighbor's stairs, or better yet wake up with your arm around some sheep? Well, if you do, there's only one solution: Call Chariot Limo Service. We'll have a driver there in no time to take you home. Two times real fast around the Circus will sober you up so your neighbors and family will think you don't have that drinking problem they suspected. Call 1-WED-RIV-EFAST. -TK ************************************************* Town Crier Surgery Successful ROME, ITALY - Rome's Town Crier is on his way to a slimmer profile. The stomach stapling surgery, performed by a Greek doctor with a flair for trepanning, is a success. Mr Crier also had a large gallstone removed during the same surgery (stone played by Val Kilmer, of course). With a much smaller stomach now, Mr Crier's meals will now be limited to two dormice, two olives, and one small chunk of Roman Meal bread per meal. Asked about how he felt, Mr Crier had this to say: "Gods, I'm bloody HUNGRY!" ADVERTISEMENT: Is your lady dry as the Sahara? Make her wet as October! Titus Pullo Enterprises will send Mr Pullo to your house to repeatedly stab a Nubian. Guaranteed to make your woman leave snail trails on every horizontal surface. Nubian not included. -- "Brigand, clueless wonder and Legionnaire with a long history of feminine conquest seeks woman who will be a calming influence. I know just the button to make you hit the high notes. Please, no crying or demanding payment. My ideal woman is the next one because I can't remember where I left the last one." (Credit to Livia!) -TitusPullo ***************************************************** Wig-Weaving For Girls! Servilla of the Junii has announced a new charity organization to be started up in Egypt, "Wig-weaving for Orphaned Girls." When asked about it, Servilla had this to say, "Most of those poor, gypso girls can't afford an expensive wig from the Egyptian Wig company, so I decided to help them make their own!" Rome's own Martha Stewart insists that simple household items such as a mop or balls of string can be made into very pretty wigs. The girls will be provided with yarn, and the classes will include knitting and macramé. "Any girl can look like a queen!" Servilla insisted, and added that she'll be heading to Egypt to oversee the project herself...and get to know all the elegable girls eager to be instructed. -Thirteen31 *************************************************** TRT News Briefs - ATHENS, GREECE. Val Kilmer is recovering at a hospital in Greece. Our secret microphone picked up this, "Playing that gallstone was not what it was cut out to be." "I was supposed to get the kidney stone part in the remake of Roman Citizen Kane, but that role was given to Gary Oldman, and anyway, I needed the money." Later he asked a nurse, "Nurse, do you think I'm being typecast?" USA - Two merkins...sporrans, no merkins... whatever... were listed on e-bay today. The seller, who hails from New Jersery, describes them as very old because they smell ancient. No reserve. Auction ends when they're purchased. Ciao, Ciao -TeriKarma ************************************************* Exclusive Roman club is looking to hire, finally! Wanted an old, toothless soothsayer, preferably blind, who can schedule appointments, offer predictions and announce to Caesar the date of our final meeting, as we have planned a surprise for him. If you qualify, call out for Cicero or Brutus in the Forum on the next Nundinae. A slave will guide you to our club house, in time for our first meeting. -Skarr ************************************************* Val Kilmer Recovering -- Again ALEXANDRIA, EGYPT - Val Kilmer is resting comfortably after being injured once again in his role as a rock. "I was hired to be the set dressing, not a projectile!" lamented the actor, who has previously complained of being typecast after playing a rock star in "The Doors" and more recently a series of roles involving, well, rocks. The scene in question had Mr Kilmer convincingly portraying a rock sitting on the ground, when actor Ray Stevenson responded to some rock-throwing kids by hurling Mr Kilmer at them, ultimately smashing him into the ground and breaking his concentration. "He was supposed to pick up the other rock, you know, the one played by Gary Oldman!" complained Kilmer. Mr Stevenson did apologise and sent flowers (played by the Olsen twins, whom Mr Stevenson denies deflowering). Fellow actor Kevin McKidd sent a wristwatch studded with diamonds harvested from his own arse. James Purefoy sent nude gladiatrices. Ciaran Hinds sent a legion, but they drowned. Developing... -TP *************************************************** Setback In Kilmer Recovery ALEXANDRIA, EGYPT - Egyptian doctors reported to a turn for the worse in the recovery of "rock" star Val Kilmer. "He was resting comfortably until a loud thumping on the wall behind his head produced a concusion and screaching ululating ruptured his eardrums." said Kilmer's personal physician, Dr. Jerome Howard. An onsite witness, Titus Pullo, who ealier had been delivering flowers to the esteemed actor, reported hearing no unusual noises, but noted "Ah those ER nurses. Now that's what the doctor ordred - and a bloddy good order it was too." -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ********************************************** Mauricius Escargotus Files Lawsuit ALEXANDRIA, EGYPT - Mauricius Escargotus who uses the stage name Gary Oldman has filed a ten thousand sestertius lawsuit against Val Kilmer for punative damages he claims he incurred during his role as an Egyptian ornated rock. Escargotus chose to wear an elaborate merkin for the role in order to blend in with the surroundings. "ÂõæáíôéíÞ Áõôïêñáôïñßá!!!" Exclaimed Escargotus. "Me pops was a weaver ya know?" he stated, "He made me tha wee hairpiece when I was jus a wink of a lad, and I wore it when I played Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg in The Fifth Element." Escargotus claims no damages for injuries sustained when the un named parties stepped on him reaching for Val Kilmer, but he demands restitution or return of his beloved hair piece. Oldman could not be reached for comment about the horde of verbal Egyptian females he had in tow on his visit to Kilmer's hospital, but witnesses observed he left the hospital alone. -magialuna ***************************************************** TRT Morning News (Sponsored by Caesar's Snack Shack) SYDNEY, AUSTRIALIA. It was discovered today that the Blue Spaniard makeup sold to BruteCis on e-bay was a fake! The buyer, who asked not to be identified said, "We, er, I opened the container, and there was Green Scottish makeup with a note incribed "Et Tu, Brute? Yeee kaana take awayeee me freeeeedommm!" Our sources have learned that the real Blue Spaniard Makeup was sold in a private sale to none other than Russell Crowe who exclaimed, "It was an easy transaction, I just went over to Mel's house and picked it up." Rumor has it that Russell will make a cameo appearance as Maximus on HBO's Rome. Of course, Marc Antony had this to say, "Bloody fuck, (and that DOESN'T mean Fornucation Under Consent of the King) that's all I need now is that Maximus character horning in on my territory, I still can't get any trim as it is! Ah, maybe I'll do him a favor and introduce him to Atia...mmmm...yeah..." Other rumors abound that Russells' Maximus will also be doing the talk show circuit and making a surprise guest appearance on the Marcus Jeriticus Springero Show. Sources have learned that Russell has a BIG secret to reveal. IN OTHER NEWS...Gary Oldman found his hairpiece last night, it was stuck to his arse. Elated, Gary said, "I went to take a shite and felt something ticklin' me fancies. It was a good thing I found it when I did, cause I was about to pinch a loaf and it's wasn't exactly the Roman bread kind." He has dropped the restitution case against Mr. Kilmer. Mr. Kilmer, still recovering, could not be reached for comment. Advertisement: Are you tired of the same old Roman bread and olives for lunch every day? If so, then come on down to Caesar's Snack Shack. At Caesar's, we have a fine assortment of food for your dining pleasure. We are world renoun for our scrumptious appetizers such as Bearded Clam, Tuna Juice and Cottage Cheese, and our delicious Snail Trails. Or try our Hubris and Avocati on pita bread. Yum! No reservations needed. -- Oysters are currently out of season. Ciao! -TeriKarma ***************************************************** ----------------------------Advertisement------------------------------- Have you ever spent several days on a ship, pursued murderous Nubians all day on horseback when it's hotter than Vulcan's cock, only to be tapped for a royal booty call with no bathing facilities in sight? LEATHER 'N OLIVES men's cologne (now with pharoahmoans!) will make her wetter than October. When she crotch sniffs this musky scent, her legs will part like the Red Sea. LEATHER 'N OLIVES "It's not so bad. Think of the alternative." -KatieDorr ****************************************************** Latest news from the archaeological gazette : An ancient artificat believed to more than 2,000 years old was recently found beneath the sands near Alexandria by a construction crew while excavating the area for a new resort construction. A spokesman for the Egyptian Museum called it the "find of the century" and the object, after cleaning was revealed as a long pipe, possibly used for smoking various herbs or other substances and also royal in origin, as there are numerous hieroglyphic carvings on the stem, one of them a royal seal that can be traced to the ones found on Cleopatra's tomb. Could this be one of the objects used in her mysterious rituals dedicated to the goddess Isis? A forensic scientist, after examining the object, also found a crude inscription, consisting entirely of obviously Roman letters, scratched on the stem. Upon magnification, the following were revealed - JC ? TP ? MA ? Historians speculate that these could be the initials of the various owners of the pipe before it was given to Queen Cleopatra, who had her own hieroglyphics carved on it later. -Skarr ***************************************** ------------------------Advertisement-------------------------------- Extremely well endowed male slave for purchase or rent. Makes the perfect personal gift or entertainment at parties. Perfect for Hen Nights, Stag Nights or Any Night. Reasonable rates. You dress him up or we can for you. Only slightly used. Send missive to: ROME 6475 attn: Large member -MiladyBellatrix ********************************************* Heir to Empire in Question. Slave woman claims boy is too well endowed to be Caesar's son. Astonishing developments in the validity of Caesarion's claim to the house of Julii surfaced today when an unidentified source told the Rome Daily News that women attending on the boy believe the child's reproductive organs bare remarkable resemblance to those of another man. Caesarion, the child born to Julius Caesar and Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt is currently Caesars only living child. If these claims turn out to be true, it could be devastating news for Caesar and indeed for the ambitious Queen Cleopatra. This mysterious, other man has yet to be named, and all we can reveal about him is he is apparently a citizen and enjoys astonishing popularity among women in general. Our contact assures us that he is well known on the Aventine and in the City of Narbo. A man of lesser means, but remarkable good fortune. He would have to be to if he has any hope of surviving this revelation. The slave, understandably anxious to keep her identity a secret, came forward with her claim after her the boy's slave and her best friend was found decapitated 3 days ago. "I'm not surprised," she said. "Are you? You can't trust these Gypo women any further than you can throw 'em. Besides he looks just like a good Roman boy 'e does, just like his dad. And I should know, if you know what I mean." One wonders how far will the Julii house go to keep this one under wraps. You hear it here first, folks. -MiladyBellatrix ******************************************* Advertisement: Are you having trouble staying in tune with your significant other during sex.Fear no more as the Grammy award winning Album Ululating in the Desert sung by the group Cleo's Girls is now on sale on Timelife.Songs include Grinding to the Beat,Who let the 13th out and Follow your Orders. Rush delivery is available.All major credit cards accepted.Place your order before the Oct 30 and we'll send you the new single "The Kid is Not My Son" by Newcomer Julius "Big Dawg" Caesar. -boadicea ****************************************** ROME POLICE BLOTTER Roman patrician Appius Claudius continues to offer a reward of, well, life for the citizen who returns to him his stolen slave, a female, who answers to the name of Eirene, or would if she ever uttered a bloody word. If you've a tip, flag down the nearest legionnaire. Do you know this man? He's about yea-high, middleweight, black and blue, adult male, missing two thumbs and a pulse, found in a sewer. If you think you know him, please contact the Rome Medical Examiner. Free toe tablets! Graffiti artist Crippus was apprehended along the market district last Kalends. He is well known for his rude depictions of Romans in coitus, most notably Gaius Julius Caesar and his alleged consort Servilia. He is not believed to be the same pervert who defaced a jail cell some time back with a graphic depicting a spooging willy; that culprit remains at large. He is being held on eleventy thousand thousand denarii bail. The Rome Police Blotter is brought to you by what's left of the 13th Legion, who reminds you that crime is bad. -TP ******************************************** Advertisement: Do you have a problem child in the household that thinks he doesn't have to behave? Tired of getting punched and kicked when you're not looking? Does that special little darling use foul language and threaten to defecate on his siblings? Does he like to play with body parts in a most inappropriate way? What to do? What to do?? Help is right at hand! Contact Asphandlers ((c) trademark) for our expertly trained juvenile rehabilitators. Our staff will pick up your little problem and have them quiet as a dormouse in no time! Our convenient location is Hut # XIII right by the beautiful Nile. Look for the Camel corral and turn left by the Date Palms. We are open day or night, and our prices are reasonable. Transactions guaranteed to be secure and confidential. (*joke on child King Ptolomey being murdered by Cleo) -magialuna ********************************************** Kilmer Release From Hospital ALEXANDRIA, EGYPT - Egyptian hospital authorities report that Val Kilmer was released from care today after a full recovery. In an unrelated development, Gary Oldman was admitted for injuries from a flying bedpan. Local authorities were investigating. The origins of the septic projectile were unknown, although one obviously drunk legionary reported the bedpan was ejected when the legionary's head exploded. "Ridiculous," stated Centurion Vorenus. "Pullo has clearly lost his mind." The legionary source made only one further criptic comment, "Bonny Flower of Scotland" staggered over to a nearby wall and began drawing rude pictures. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ************************************************* TRT Late Night News (Sponsored by RTV) TOONTOWN USA. Heir to Empire Question Answered! Our undercover reporter discovered today that the baby who played Caesarian with the woody in Ep 8 was really Baby Herman from the Who Framed Roger Rabit movie. Smoking his trademark cigar, Baby Herman had this to say, "Of course it was me, you assholes! And that was all my wood too! Titus' got nothin' on me!" TRT has learned that Bob Hoskins, who was originally up for the part of Posca but who had other commitments, recommended B. Herman for the part. Advertisement: I want my RTV! That's the call of our new video TV station exclusively for Rome Forum addicts. New music videos include "Ding Dong the Wicked Ol' Harpy is Dead" sung by Ro Man McA. Other hits include "I Left My Sperm in Cleopatra" and "I'm Proud to be Merkin" by TP Daddy. And watch for the upcoming new release "Niobe, Niobe, Oh, Oh, I Gotta Go" (a dance remix of Louie, Louie)" by the V-Man. Good Night and Good Luck -TeriKarma ************************************************* ADVERTISEMENT Rid your household of unwanted pests today. Try the new Vorenus Fly Trap. The Vorenus Fly Trap combines a special blend of blood, wine, olive oil and saliva that flying and crawling insects cannot resist. The secret concoction is kept inside a clever decanter that your pests will enter into, but never emerge from. Send requests to Niobe at her home. Proceeds will all go to the Titus Pullo Skull Repair Fund and help to offset the cost of surgeries, parts and/or cleaning supplies. -mrspullo **************************************************** Oi Time Life! Need to add Livia's "In the Legion" and magialuna's "Cat's In The Cradle" parodies here as well, hey? How's about Pomp Daddy's "I Left My Head in Alexandria"? CLICKY for "In The Legion": IN THE LEGION Where can you find pleasure, search the world for treasure,learn siege technology? Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true on the land or on the sea? Where can you learn to die, pray to gods or skin someone alive,study pornography? Sign up for the big pillage or set fire to the village when your army and others fight. In the Legion, yes, you can sail the seven seas. In the Legion, yes, you can put your mind at ease. In the Legion, come on now troops, make a line. In the Legion, can't you see we'll win just fine. In the Legion, come on, guys, show some spine. In the Legion, let's all get drunk on some wine. In the Legion, we do the girls from behind. In the Legion, in the Legion. They want you! They want you! They want you in a soldier's boot! If you like adventure don't you wait to enter the cohort group. Don't you hesitate, there is no need to wait; they're signing up new soldiers, troop. Maybe you are too young to join up today but don't you worry 'bout the thing for I'm sure there will be always the good Legion protecting Rome, you, and me. In the Legion... They want you! They want you! They want you in a soldier's boot! They want you! They want you! They want you in a soldier's boot! ..But..but..but I'm afraid of blood! ..hey..hey..look, men... I get sick even watching it in the arena! They want You! - Oh my goodness! They want you! - What am I gonna do in a phalanx? They want you! They want you! In the Legion. In the Legion... (fade out) -LiviaAugusta CLICKY for "Cat's in the Cradle": It's a darned shame we can't rename this thread to the "Titus Pullo or Else" thread, eh gang? On that note...a song (parody of "Cat's in the Cradle") in honor of our favorite Legionaires: ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The boys arrived just the other day; They marched into Rome in the usual way But there were plebs to catch, and Pompey to fray A lot had occurred while there were away Caesar's fold had turned, and V's family grew Niobe said welcome home, Grand...dad He's gonna be a lot like you... Lucius is gonna be a lot like you... And Timon's in the stable Being whipped under Atia's poon Little Spaniard blue And the man in the moon. When you coming home, Pullo? I don't know when, But we'll get together then You know we'll have a GOOD time then, girls! Well Ptolemy turned 12 just the other day He said thanks for the head, come on let's play Can you teach me to throw? Caesar said, not today.. I got Cleo to do He said, that's ok And then he stormed away but his smirk never dimmed And he said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah You know I'm gonna be like him And Timon's in the stable Being whipped under Atia's poon Little Spaniard blue And the man in the moon. When you coming home, Pullo? I don't know when, But we'll get together then You know we'll have a GOOD time then, girls! Well, they found Ptolemy floating just the other day And Cleo bore a son she should have named Ray Caesar took control and showed off the babe Pullo and the boys shouted and raved Vorenus kept his mouth shut thinking of a 'close shave' The mumphs about to hit the fan boys The mumphs gonna hit the fan... And Timon's in the stable Being whipped under Atia's poon Little Spaniard blue And the man in the moon. When you coming home, Pullo? I don't know when, But we'll get together then You know we'll have a GOOD time then, girls! Well Caesars about to be "retired", and we're worried about Ray We're hoping he'll live to see another day HBO listen up: keep your fans in mind? Let us know if I you can find the time You see we're addicted, and we need a clue But it's sure nice talking to you, Network It's been sure nice talking to you... And as I post on this board, it occurred to me Where would HBO be without us guys? The fans are all like meeeeeeeee... And Timon's in the stable Being whipped under Atia's poon Little Spaniard blue And the man in the moon. When you coming home, Pullo? I don't know when, But we'll get together then You know we'll have a GOOD time then, girls! -magialuna -TP ************************************************** TP, Thanks for the clickys, yeah, I saw those, but my brain cells don't circulate that quickly. Apologies to those I left off the Videos - we'll catch you on the next RTV Advertisement. Oh, anybody know the words to Niobe, Niobe, Oh, Oh, I Gotta Go? Stay tuned for Morning News.... -TK ************************************************** TRT Morning News Briefs (Sponsored by Latin for Latins) ALEXANDRIA, EGYPT. The DNA test for the paternity of baby Caesarian has come back inconclusive. Lab results report tiny crystals of some kind of sand or rock in the mix. Val Kilmer had no comment. WWW.HBO. User names TitusVaginus and TitusUnranus are back in the news today. It appears they have signed a contract to be the spokepersons for the new KY Touch Massage 2 in 1 Warming Body and Lube that has been flying off the drugstore shelves recently. More to cum, er, come on this news story later... Advertisement: Are you tired of listening to ROME in the King's English? Latin for Latins can solve that problem right away. With their special patented earphones, you can listen to your favorite ROME character speak Latino, Mexican, Spanglish, Wetback English, Puerto Rican....OH WAIT! OMG, WRONG LATIN!!!! NOTICE: TRT apologizes for the Latin for Latins ad which could not be pulled prior to this going to press. Ciao -TK ********************************************* Letters to the Editor. Dear Editor, I was very disturbed and quite frankly insulted by an advertisement that was recently published in your paper selling 'Latin for Latin's.' It appeared to be a product that sold translations for the King's English spoken in Rome. I would like to point out that the language currently spoken in Rome is in fact the 'Queen's' English and NOT the King's! Great Britain hasn't had a king in over 50 years. As a British citizen I was insulted by this showing of utter ignorance and yet at the same time not at all surprised. Unfortunately the world is growing more ignorant by the day and publications like yours only seem to perpetuate this. I would also like to take this opportunity to voice the fact that I am quite frankly sick and tired of all the moaning and groaning about the use of the Queen's English in Rome. Done by those, I'm sure, who don't speak the Queen's English at all but some lesser variant like, heaven forbid, American English. There is no doubt in my mind that these whiners are envious of a language that is so vividly used and has so much range and diversity that it is the only possible choice for use in our modern city of Rome. I mean could you imagine Caesar speaking with a New York accent? Or Pullo with a Southern drawl? Or, even worse, Vorenus speaking like a California surfer 'dude'!!! I understand the advertisement was not written by your staff but, in my honest opinion, you do owe a responsibility to the general public in passing on miss information. I suggest you take greater care with your publication in the future. Yours sincerely, An irate British person. -MiladyBellatrix ***************************************************** Dear Irate British Person, King? Queen? You've yet to even have a real Emperor! Corblimey, you've given me an idear, you 'ave... Kindest Regards, G. J. Caesar Editor In Chief The Rome Tabloid -TP ************************************************ -----------------------------Classifieds-------------------------------- FOR SALE - Used mobile home, only one previous owner (a smoker). High miles (like the owner) but she's cherry. 8-pole, 18-slave suspension, deluxe interior. Various and sundry stains on upholstery, carpets and walls, but should clean up nice; we replaced the mattresses. Come on down to BIG ASWAD'S USED CARTS and make me an offer today! -KatieDorr ************************************************** FULL PAGE AD BY KY PRODUCTS As told by TitusVaginus Are you afraid of the DANGEROUS DONG? Did your significant other buy you a plug that, well, didn't look like it could be used as a bottle stopper? Are you as dry as the Utah Salt Flats? If you answered yes to at least one of these questions, then we have the product for you! The makers of KY Jelly now have a new product that even the slaves are talking about, KY Touch Massage 2in1 Warming Lube. Yes, light some candles, put on your favorite TP Daddy, and get down! Look for it at your nearest Apothecary. On display next to V-Man Sheepskins. -TK *************************************************** Letters to the Editor Dear Editor, I happened to stumble upon this tread while looking for the Philosophically and Intellectually Speaking thread and I find your full page ad for the KY 2in1 Lube to be a tasteless example of the mentality of, what are you calling it, The Roman Tabloid. Roman Tabloid indeed! This is pure puke guts, turd mold, and furthermore, in your words, CACK! How dare you insult the intelligence of posters with this insidious verbiage that is even lower than a tetramorium silvestrii - - go look that up in your dictionary! I have only one question for you crap mongers at TRT... Where can I get some? Signed, Anal Caviticus Poopurus -TK ************************************************* The Rome Tabloid Literary Page Hot off the Press:New Book Release Roman housewife Niobe Vorenus has written a novel entitled Betrayal:Story of a Roman Wife. Her book tells the story of a woman who had a affair while her husband was away on campaign.Mrs Vorenus has vehemently denied that her book is actually a thinly veiled account of her own life.In an interview with our reporter she said "Anyone who knows me is aware that I never eat meat.Just ask my lover er Brother in law .Our reporter was unable to unable to complete the interview as Mrs Vorenus had to get home to change her dress because of the appearance of milk spots ahem wet spots. Sales of Mrs Vorenus' books are going extremely well.She is already being hailed as the next Jackie Collins by the Rome Times. Mrs Vorenus writes as if she has been in her heroine's shoes says The Romantic Times. Brilliantly written says Ladies Home Journal. Mrs Vorenus will be one to watch raves The Rome Chronicle Advertisement Do you need life insurance? Are you in a high risk job,such as Butchering,Law,Gambling,soldiering or advisor to a young king?We have the perfect insurance plan for you at Citizens Life and Accident Insurance Company(CLAC).We also insure body parts-thumbs and hands are two for the price of one,penises are priced according to length and heads according to expression at time of removal(shock carries a higher premium).Only one denarii down.More information will be broadcasted by the Town Crier. -boadicea ************************************************* TRT Joke of the Day: Atia and Servilla both went to the same jewelery store and found the same necklace that each just had to have. They started arguing about who should have it. So, to be more politic, Servilla suggested a pain contest. The contest would have each take turns punching each other in the stomach and twisting each other's tits to see who could handle the pain the best. Atia was most agreeable to this as she loved to inflict pain. So they tossed a coin to see who would go first. Servilla won the toss. Servilla drew back her fist and punched Atia in the stomach as hard as she could, then began to twist Atia's breasts to the point of 90 degrees. Atia's eyes watered, she fell to the ground holding her stomach, the pain was unbearable. Yet after about a minute, she stood up, composed herself and said, "Okay Servilla, now it's my turn." Servilla politely replied, "It's okay, Atia, you can have the necklace." -TK ******************************************* --------------------------------------------Advertisement------------------------------------------------ PENIS ENLARGEMENT - Have you been feeling unwelcome because you don't measure up? In just 30 days, LARGER PENIS can be yours with our safe, effective, all-natural supplement. Simply take one PENIS MAXIMUS tablet each day and you can actually see results overnight. Testimonial: "Penis Maximus changed my life. I used to slave away as a litter-carrier, but since using this miracle potion, I carry nothing heavier than gifts and trinkets. Needless to say, I am most welcome wherever I go." Send 2 sestertii (plus 3 asses shipping & handling) for a 30 day supply. Guaranteed to work or your money back!* *(restrictions apply - read the fine print and good luck) -KatieDorr *************************************************** TRT Quick News WWW.HBO. The TRT has just been informed that melvinkitty, the beloved poster of many in this forum has had a name change operation. Titus Pullo, who performed the operation had this to say, "Well, I learned a lot about surgery after having this plate put in my gulliver. And melvinkitty had been saving for years to have this operation, so I'm glad I was able to perform it." Melvinkitty's new name is InsolentWretch. All of us at TRT wish Insolent a healthy recovery. Stay tuned for news at 11... -TK **************************************************** Pullo Sued For Malpractice A Wrongful Injury and Malpractice suit was filed today in Roman District court by InsolentWretch against Titus Pullo. InsolentWretch alleges that, although her name-change surgery was a success, Pullo failed to wash his hands before the operation. "Didn't he know soap was popular in Rome over 300 years before he was born!" exclaimed InsolentWretch. "Hey, the boys in the Legion never bothered to use any." retorted Pullo. "Besides, it would be un-Italian to bath. Sissy Greek thing bathing." Other prospective patients of Titus Pullo anxiously awaited the invention of the clothes pin. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ******************************************************* Pullo Responds to Malpractice Suit Surgeon Titus Pullo has retained Cicero as counsel in the pending malpractise case by InsolentWretch. In response to allegations that he bolloxed Ms Wretch's surgery by not washing up beforehand, Pullo replied: "It isn't like I had a crap in her skull, eh?" His attorney promptly pimpslapped him silent and offered: "Mr Pullo has practised surgery consistent with medical community standards and will be absolved of these frivolous charges. Cac, what died in here?!" In other news, the Greeks have reportedly filed a slander suit for Mr Pullo's calling them nancies. Spokesman Lysandros Metalnos has asked for $50 thousand thousand denarii in compensation but said he would settle for Mr Pullo just taking a fucking bath already, even the polecats are gagging. -TP ***************************************************** "WHAT THE FREAKIN' BLOODY BUGGERY HELL???!!! Was that man doing with dirty fingers in my skull?" Ms. Wretch was quoted as saying at the bizarre press conference earlier today. This was just before soldiers came and arrested Ms. Wretch and her attorney, a Mr. Johnicus Cochranicus. It was later revealed that the attorney was not an attorney at all but a crazy man pretending to be Mr. Johnicus Cochranicus who is already deceased. Evocati First Grade L. Vorenus then made this statement, "Unfortunately, InsolentWretch's status as a slave renders her unable to sue anybody." Ms. Wretch's owners had this to say,"We don't know how she got out. One minute she was chained to the wall and the next she was gone. Actually, she's quite a nutter. Always rhyming, making false assertions, flirting with strange men. We're tired of it. We would like to announce she's for sale. Still fertile, and the brain infection might calm her down." Before being shackled and gagged, Ms. Wretch was heard to say, "I AM A CONSUL OF R-" -InsolentWretch *************************************************** +++++++++++ Advertisement ++++++++++++ Good Citizens! Is that communal sponge you're using after your cac leaving you feeling less than fresh? 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Colgate-Romeolive will not be liable for any damages or injury, including but not limited to, special or consequential damages that result from the use of, or the inability to use, the materials in this product, even if there is negligence or Colgate-Romeolive or an authorized Colgate-Romeolive representative has been advised of the possibility of such damages, or both. The above limitation or exclusion may not apply to you to the extent that applicable law may not allow the limitation or exclusion of liability for incidental or consequential damages. Colgate-Romeolive's total liability to you for all losses, damages, and causes of action (in contract, tort (including without limitation, negligence), or otherwise) will not be greater than the amount you paid for this product). -magialuna ******************************************************* Adverisement Legionnaire's Funeral Home(owned and operated by retired veterans) Have you recently lost a loved one?Do you feel hopelessly overwhelmed by all the funeral arrangements?Our very professional staff at Legionnaires Funeral Home is here to assist you in your time of grief.Our Crematorium gives new meaning to the term "burnt to a crisp." Our motto is "you kill them and we'll bury them-heck we'll even kill them for you at no extra charge." NB be sure to choose from our variety of Grecian urns as they're are really quite lovely. -boadicea ******************************************************* Recovering from a particularly grueling Senate session, famed stoic Cato is vacationing at a secret villa in Africa with a legion of close personal friends. Long distance paparazzi photos of the renowned orator are circulating on the Internetus. He is seen walking barefoot on an African beach in conversation with Sciapio, who is in mourning after the recent unexpected death of son-in-law Pompey Magnus. Although it is rumored that Brutus would join them in their African retreat, he said he had lost his desire to travel, because "It 's impossible to get a decent meal outside Rome." -anyacat ****************************************************** Triton Kills 5000 in boating accident Adriatic Sea, Aug 1, 48BC Well known god and celebrity Triton allegedly caused the death of more than 5000 soldiers of Caesar's famed 13th Legion whom were deployed from Rome to Greece on a humanitarian mission. While in a drunken rage, It seems the immortal strew about bolts of lightning, massive waves and lethally high winds that been left behind in the temple by his live in girlfriend. Sources within the heavens stated that generous sacrifices were made to Triton for safe passage across the Adriatic sea but seem to have gone unheeded . And there is some innuendo of a Love triangle between Triton, an unnamed deity, and Mother Nature which may have caused this explosive outburst. Triton's license to practice miracles had been suspended for a previous unrelated incident. Said famous advocate of the gods Aloisius Shapirian who will be representing Triton, "My client is innocent of this horrible catastrophe. Authorities should be focusing their investigation on Nature's other love interest, Norse god and giant killer, Thor". This is based on the rumor that one of the lightning bolts recovered at the scene had some Rune inscribed at the base, but this is as yet unsubstantiated. Only 14 of the doomed party survived the chaotic storm .They have presently reported back for duty, and are forbidden to speak of the incident under a crucifixion order Quotes a survivor on request of anonymity "Triton can suck my cock" Triton could not be reached for comment. -fixitwilya ********************************************************** TRT Weekend News Brief WASHINGTON, D.C. The TRT has learned that tonight's episode will again be pre-empted due to a speech by Hillary Clinton in defense of the "Who was/is a Better Mother" thread." Our political leak, er, source says that Hillary will address accusations of her being a lesbian, as well as her weekend jaunt with Servilla and Octavia. Supporters say Mrs. Clinton merely wanted to learn the ancient art of weaving. Of course, we did get comment from Bill Clinton. In true form of Chauncy Gardner, Bill said, "I like to watch." -TK ********************************************************** Wrongful Death Suit Filed against Rome renowned surgeon The widow of Evander Pulchio has filed a wrongful death suit against Titus "the Butcher" Pullo.Mrs Pulchio alleges that Dr Pullo and his theatre nurse Octavian Torturus botched her husband's thumb removal surgery,when they removed the wrong thumb and tried to cover their mistake by removing his other thumb.Mr Pulchio bled to death when the doctor and his nurse refused to cauterize his wounds.Dr Pullo was heard to say "I thought his right thumb was a good place to start,a little blood letting would be good for him." When Dr Pullo was questioned about the Hippocratic oath to first do no harm he had this to say "Bugger the Hyppocratic Oath,I'm no hypocrite and anyone who says different will get my surgical knife through the throat." -boadicea *********************************************************** Video Tape May Prove Dr. Pullo's Innocence There is a new murder investigation into the death of Evander Pulchio. Video surveillance in Rome's sewers has yeilded a tape of the actual murder. While the identity of the killers is not clear, it is evident the victim is Evander Pulchio. The time and date stamp on the tape prove he was alive at least 2 hours after leaving Dr. Pullo's care. Sewer tapes show Pulchio being dragged in by 2 men. He was then interrogated and tortured. About 5 minutes of the tape have been released to the public, but this reporter has learned the entire episode lasted about 4.5 hours wherein Pulchio was tortured extensively losing all his toes, both kneecaps, and one ear. Pulchio confesses to fathering 37 children in the city and seducing the wives of more than 100 absent soldiers. "If this is true, it would account for the unusually high number of obituary postings regarding Evander Pulchio" said the editor of the obitutary pages TeriKarma. It is not known how these developments will affect the malpractice suit against Dr. Pullo. -InsolentWretch **************************************************** Have you got Rats, Doormice or Roaches? Call me, Pullo, at Pullo's Pest Patrol at VVV-MCCXXXIV I will torture and dispatch the Rats, Eat all your Doormice, and smoke all your Roaches. -fixitwilya ***************************************************** Video Tape is a Fake The alleged tape of the Evander Pulchio murder has been revealed to be a fake.A resident of Rome's Sewer District who preferred to remain anonymous has placed Dr Pullo at the scene hours after the tape showed that he had left.He was seen in the company of a youth who fits the description given of Nurse Octavian Torturus.Our witness overheard Nurse Octavian saying "they can't prove Evander's finger was cut off in error,facts are what is needed." Doctor Pullo was heard to respond saying "never speak of this,they must never know."The origin of this so called tape is still under investigation. -boadicea ******************************************************* TRT News Makes Grave Journalistic Error TRT News said late Sunday it cannot prove the authenticity of a tape used in a story about Evander Pulchio and that printing the story was a mistake that TRT Tabloid regretted. TRT Tabloid Star Reporter Danicus Ratherio, the reporter of the original story, apologised. TRT Tabloid claims a sourse has misled the network on the tape's origins. In a statement, TRT said former Praetorean Guard official Durio Imdeadicus "has acknowledged that he provided the now-disputed tape" and "admits that he deliberately misled the TRT Tabloid reporter working on the report, giving a false account of the tape's origins to protect a promise of confidentiality to the actual source. TRT News did not say the tape was a forgery, but did say they could not authenticate the tape and that they should not have reported it. "Based on what we now know, TRT Tabloid cannot prove that the tape is authentic, which is the only acceptable journalistic standard to justify using it in the report," said the statement by TRT News President Andrewio Heywardeus. "We should not have used it. That was a mistake, which we deeply regret. Nothing is more important to us than our credibility and keeping faith with the hundreds of proplewho count on us for fair, accurate, reliable, and independent reporting," Heywardeus continued. "We will continue to work tirelessly to be worthy of that trust." -InsolentWretch *********************************************************** TRT Very, Very, Early, Insomniac News (Sponsored Niobe Pork Rinds) ROME, ITALY. It was reported early, early Monday morning that Servilla used a body double in the scene where she is taken by Timon's men from her litter. Servilla had this to say, "Well, I just didn't want my hair to be cut, that's all." Poor excuse, says an inside source who has learned that Servilla actually has a tatoo of Caesar on her arse and another one of Octavia below the nipple of her breast. In other early, early, early morning news, shock and surprise hit the streets late Sunday evening when citizens found out that Octavia slept with her brother Octavian. Octavian had this to say, "I swear to you on Jupiter's penis, that a body double was used for this scene." Rumors have it that due to budget restraints it was the same actor who played Servilla's body double as reported earlier. Advertisement: When you get home and open the pantry, is there nothing but leftover olives and stale bread? Next time you shop, be sure to pick up a bag of Niobe's Pork Rinds. Fried fresh daily by Vorenus himself, this lucious snack will crunch in your mouth and not in your arse. Warning: May cause high cholesterol if not drunk with red wine. -TK *********************************************************** TRT News Alert! WWW.HBO. It has been reported that due to continued government security, people who use their full names as user names here at the ROME forum can be looked up via their Driver's License. In addition anyone can look up anyone's name via their driver's license and find out who they actually are and where they live. TRT wishes to respond to this report by providing all our readers the link that will enable them to delete their names from the viewing list. Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. "CLICKY" -TK ********************************************************* Coming up: Caesar pulls out of Egypt. A frustrated Egypt could not be reached for comment. -fixitwilya ********************************************************* TRT Afternoon Break ROME, ITALY. Our "Rome-ing" reporter learned today that the woman who played Servilla's body double in the Utica episode is suing HBO for injuries received while working. It appears while shooting the scene she was supposed to fall on a padded sand mat, but instead fell on two rocks, chipping her front tooth and deflating one of her augmented breasts. The woman, whose name is being withheld at her request reports, "I don't know who cast Val Kilmer and Gary Oldman in that scene, but Gary's dracula teeth punctured one of my new boobies when I fell." Mr. Oldman had this to say, "I hid notin to do vit it! Val vas in the vay ven she vell." Val voiced this, "Gary's off his rock!" -TK ********************************************************* TRT NEWS - All the News that's Speculation and Then Some THAPSUS, AFRICA. TRT has learned that Pompey's legion of soldiers were a bunch of Bozos according to our secret source. The truth can be found on the leather breast plate of Scipio's uniform during the aftermath of the Thapsus battle in Ep Utica. "Clearly a picture of Bozo the Clown, if I ever saw one," says our secret source. An orange clown wig, a round leather red nose, and clown face make up (not to be confused with Blue Spaniard makeup) was found in the packing bags on the dead elephant. "It all makes sense, with the elephant and all that this was a circus of legionaires!" our source is quoted as saying. In other news, The Town Crier has lost over 100 pounds so far as a result of his stomach staple operation. He still has 300 to go, but is in pretty good spirits. "I've been eating nothing but bits of Roman Meal Bread for Real Romans, and I'm getting a little sick of the diet as you could tell in my last public announcement," said Mr. Crier, "But, I'm hanging in there." -TK ***************************************************** Full Moon Rising In Season Two Opener HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - Our intrepid TRT reporters have located and read the final draft of the Season 2, Episode 1 script: Apisiarian. "We will focus most of this episode on a bee sting Pullo receives on his Gluteus Maximus," stated one Rome producer. When asked why he continued, "We needed continuity element to explain the mole on Ray Stevenson's right butt cheek." "Besides, we have been watching our most devout fans in the HBO Rome Forum closely and it's clear that what most viewers want is more screen time for Ray's arse and more bathing scenes - yeah bigger bathing scenes," another Rome producer continued while checking his glasses. It was noted that the other lead actor, Kevin McKidd, shared favored nation status with Ray Stevenson. No word yet on how Mr. McKidd's posterior will receive equal time. "Oh no worries there," stated the first producers. "We happen to have plenty of pictures and web links." - WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ********************************************************* ADVERTISEMENT VORENAII BOTTLED WATER Do you need a cool and refreshing bottle of water to remove the taste of dormouse,tench and olives from your palate?Vorenaii Bottled water is just the thing for you.Purified and bottled in the Vorenus courtyard using the sweat of Titus Pullo and the gods only know who else. Caesar himself walked all the way to Vorenus' house just to have a taste of his water which he pronounced, delicious.Vorenaii Bottled Water was drunk by Roman legions at Magnesia,Zama,Gaul,Pharsalus, and Thapsus.Sulla himself never left Rome without a barrel of our water.Vorenaii Bottled Water an old and respected company. Slogan: If it's good enough for Caesar, it should be good enough for you. Nutrition Facts Pullo's sweat-30% Unknown Sweat-30% Spit-30% Actual water-10% Drink at your own risk. For more information about our purification process,hide behind the fountain and watch what we're doing. -boadicea ************************************************** Ahahaha! All "Pharsalus" needed was my nekkid arse in a bath, EH?! Bugger "The Battle" we built up to all bloody fucking season THAT WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO FIGHT IN! *moons the writers, producers, etc.* Film that, you mumping cunnies. -TP ***************************************************** That was my piss jar. No wonder Caesar liked it, it's 80 proof. *belch* -TP TRT NEWS - ROME REGULARS TO APPEAR ON "EXTREME MAKEOVER -ROME EDITION" Lyde Pulchio and Marcus Junius Brutus will be appearing in the next episode of "Extreme Makeover - Rome Edition" as makeover candidates. Local celebrity Dr. Titus Pullo also makes a special appearance as a guest surgeon. When asked what she wanted out of this experience Lyde said, "I'm tired of fighting and hating and being hated. I just want everyone to like me." Consequently, all decisions regarding Lyde's makeover were made by committee so as to please the most people possible. First, Dr. Pullo performed a lobotomy, laryngectomy, a breast augmentation, tummy tuck, and injected collagen into her lips. Lyde's face was elongated and her skin darkened making her look more like a blood relation to her sister, Niobe. Then, to bring out her more saintly features, Dr. Pullo affixed a large golden halo to her head. Through laser corrective surgery, her eyes were given rose-colored lenses so she will be happy no matter what happens. It was decided she should wear only beige to better blend in to her surroundings. "Don't forget about how I tightened up her cunn-" Dr. Pullo said before being pimp-slapped by a network executive. Brutus wanted to change his image and boost his confidence. "My teeth have always been an embarrassment to me, so I'd like to get them fixed. Also, I just can't shake the feeling everyone thinks I'm a conniving cunt. Can you do something about that?" Dr. Pullo seemed very pleased with Brutus' results. "I removed the stick from his arse and used it to support his spine. I was able to give him pectoral implants by transplanting the lily from his liver. Unfortunately, nothing could be done about his yellow belly. I told him to keep his toga on, nobody wants to see that." Brutus was also given 13 porcelain veneers and zoom whitening. A laser peel of his forehead removed most of a large birthmark that read "conniving cunt". "I knew it was there," said Brutus "but I never knew it spelled anything." A curious side note to this story is the delay caused by someone harrassing Dr. Pullo. Production of this episode was delayed two days in a row because every time Dr. Pullo tried to leave his home he was pelted with bars of soap. Soldiers were called on each occasion, but the perpetrator was not found. -InsolentWretch ********************************************************* TRT Quick News - - POMPEY MAGNUS GETS NEW HEAD IN NEXT WEEK'S EXTREME MAKEOVER....also Cato will get the anchor tatoo removed from his arm! Check your local listings for dates and time. -TK ********************************************************** Waxing Philosophers Exclusive TRT Celebrity Report HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - Ray Steveson and Karl Johnson have reportedly been spotted at a spa on Sunset Boulavard, getting Brazilian Waxes. Rome producers concerned with the impact of this development on Season 2 filming have reportedly scheduled Mr. Stevenson for a merkin fitting. -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb ************************************************************** TRT NEWS BRIEF HBO.COM. HBO Execs have requested that all users now spell FUCK as f***. Deni33 is the first to spell FUCK as f*** and will receive the "Follow the F***ing F*** HBO Rules Award. *Only good in states where f*** is prohibative. -TK ********************************************************** Found in a warehouse near the Tiber, a group of burly men lying in a heap. They all appear to have been stabbed to death with a pugio or a gladius. Also, Erastes Fulmen declares bankruptcy and is forced to stand in line for his free dole of bread which is being distributed in the lower Aventine, under the magistracy of L. Vorenus, assisted by T. Pullo, his deputy. -Skarr ************************************************************** TRT Insomnia News (Sponsored by Nargas-Taint Wipes) PARIS, FRANCE. In "Catch Me If You Can" style, Titus Pullo has been found out! Our TRT detective has been chasing Mr. Pullo around Europe and the US for some time now and finally found him posting, er, posing as a doctor. Our TRT detective had this to say, "First he's an actor, then he's TP Daddy, a pop singer, then he's Dr. Pullo a surgeon, then he's an actor again! What's next?" Our detective and Paris police finally caught up with Mr. Pullo in a Paris warehouse, minting fake gold coins embossed with Caesar's face. He was coaxed out by our detective telling him his mother was outside and wanted to speak with him. Mr. Pullo, not believing, said, "Yes, my mum with the green eyes?" But the TRT detective was quick to retort, "No, your mother has grey eyes." It was at that point that Mr. Pullo gave up his ruse and went along with authorities. He was last heard screaming, "MUM, MUM, EIRENE, EIRENE, NIOBEEEEEeeeeeee!" TRT wants to know exactly who Titus Pullo really is? Advertisement - Tired of dingleberrys between your scruttocks and arse? Or is your wife annoyed with the skid marks found in your legionnaire's loin cloth and when asked you say, "Taint me!" If so, then try our new, improved and super duper Nargas Taint Wipes! They come in a fancy leather pouch and are also biodegradable! Why fight with dingleberrys and your wife for that matter, when you can smell fresh and clean with Nargas Taint Wipes! Sold exclusively at your nearest Roman Legion store! Ciao -TK ******************************************************** TRT Morning Coffee News (Sponsored by The Law Firm Pullo and Vorenus, P.A.) HBO.COM. TRT has learned that a poster on HBO.COM is suing the Rome Forum for not being included on Favorite Poster thread. User name ROMESUCKS employed the Law Firm of Pullo and Vorenus yesterday. Assistant D.A, Titus Pullo filed the following lawsuit: ROMESUCKS vs. ROME FORUM claims suffering, mental duress, depression and loss of consortium due to no one posting his name as their favorite poster on the Favorite Poster thread. At a press conference early this morning, ROMESUCKS had this to say, "Golly, gee, I did everything a poster needs to do to be liked, I supported the poster of the Rome In One Comment thread, I anally argued ad nausea to the point where other users forgot what the main topic was about. I even told several people to mump off! Was it that I started several new threads that were the same topic as other threads? I just don't get it. Why doesn't anyone like me?" IN OTHER NEWS, police are again investigating the whereabouts of Titus Pullo who seems to have slipped away from authorities after being arrested for impersonation. Further developments are forthcoming. Advertisement - Do postings and e-mails get you into hot water? Do you need to discover the paternity of children? Did someone spit on you at the local butcher shop? If this is your case, then YOU ARE ENTITLED to compensation. The Law Firm of Pullo and Vorenus, P.A. will win you enough gold to bury in the woods! Ciao -TK **************************************************** TRT NEWS - BRUTUS SUES "EXTREME MAKEOVER -ROME EDITION" Marcus Junius Brutus has retained the lawfirm of Pullo & Vorenus in his suit against "Extreme Makeover - Rome Edition." Mr. Junius alleges that his surgeries were performed by an imposter who not only failed to wash his hands before the procedure, but forgot to remove the pansy from Brutus' ass. "My pecs could have been much bigger with the pansy in there, too." complained Brutus at his lawyer's office. "I have the utmost confidence that the lawyers at Pullo & Vorenus will get me ample compensation for the damages I've suffered. I have not yet met Barrister Pullo, who was assigned my case, but I've been assured that he is fantastically competent at his job." -InsolentWretch *********************************************************** 11/5/05 Pullo and Vorenus, P.A. Attorneys at Law Confidential Dear Sirs, Your firm was highly recommended by an old friend of mine; therefore I am writing this letter because I am very offended with the injustices, which are being published about myself at the Rome Tabloid. I might be old but I still have my proud! First, this 5th class gazette so called Rome Tabloid published an absurd story about a supposed affair I might be having with this amazing actor, Ray Stevenson, who happens to be a an excellent partner and very good friend of mine. It is outrageous! After that, some paparazzi just photoshopped some pictures of Mr. Stevenson and myself in very embarrassing, uncomfortable and unpleasant positions reaching the extreme absurd of faking Brazilian wax marks around my 'member'. Finally, I heard rumors that poor Max Octavious is another victim of the insanity of those irresponsible correspondents and editor. I WANT JUSTICE! I want to know the feasibility of taking care of my case. Awaiting your news with great interest, Yours truly, Cato. Post scriptum: In case you find it difficult to locate me just hang a message at the door! -- * Ah, Nature is so natural * -Deni33 ************************************************************* > Oh, anybody know the words to Niobe, Niobe, Oh, Oh, > I Gotta Go? > -TeriKarma "Niobe, Niobe, Oh, Oh, I Gotta Go" (apologies to The Kingsmen) Niobe, Niobe, oh no, said we gotta go. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, I said a Niobe, Niobe, oh baby, said we gotta go. A fine little girl, she waitin' for me. Me build a body raft to cross the sea. Me and TP are all alone. I carve a rock in case I don't make it home. Niobe, Niobe, Yeah yeah yeah yeah said we gotta go. Oh no, said Niobe, Niobe, Oh baby, said we gotta go. Three nights and days we sail the sea. I think of her merkin constantly. On the bloatboat, I dream she there. I grope TP, but he don't share. Niobe, Niobe, oh no, said we gotta go. Yeah yeah yeah yeah I said a Niobe, Niobe, oh baby, said we gotta go. Ok, I wanna give it to her, RIGHT NOW! Me see Me see Rooooman moon above. It won't be long me see me love. Me rub her button and then I tell her "I'll never leave you again." Niobe, Niobe, oh no, said we gotta go. Yeah yeah yeah yeah I said a Niobe, Niobe, oh baby, said we gotta go I said we gotta go now LET'S GO! (Boing! Splat!) -magialuna ********************************************************* CATO MAKES THE TOP TEN BEST DRESSED LIST Cato caused a stir at Caesar's triumph when he arrived wearing his signature black toga,a stunning little number which left one shoulder bare and extended to midcalf.There were wolfcalls and feetstomping as Cato went to recieve a dagger from Caesar. Joan Rivers had this to say; Cato has a style all his own,fashionable without being over the top. Nole Marin noted fashion editor predicted he'd make the top ten best dressed list and be on the cover of Elle Magazine. Atia of the Julii whose dress did not receive as much attention as Cato's said "He has a good clothes slave I'll grant you but a rival for me,absurd! After the ceremony Caesar and Antony rushed to the House of Juno to buy their own black toga but they were told it was an original. -boadicea START NEW: Octavia's Virtue Rushed to Rome Hospital TRT sources have learned that the Virtue of the daughter of one our leading citizens was rushed to a Rome hospital earlier today.Doctor's said Octavia's Virtue complained that for the past several weeks she has been pushed aside and severely neglected while Octavia took extensive weaving lessons from Servilia. she collapsed and had to be taken by litter to the hospital when Octavia started giving "poetry lessons" to her brother.After speaking to doctors she lapsed into a coma. When our reporter tried to get a comment from Octavia she was chased by a woman brandishing a whip and screaming insults.she was able to make out the words,f**ked,sister and pervert" before hastily fleeing the scene. -boadicea *********************************8 TRT Theatre Review Roman Entertainment for your pleasure A new Saturnalia play authored by Woodius Allenus opened last night to mixed reviews. This reviewer found it akin to a comedy of intrigue and deception based on the Marcus Jeriticus Springero show. The main character "Cunnius Maximus" was portrayed by Quintus Pompey and he appeared to be adroit in enlisting a patriotic tone. Mister Pomey's co-stars included Val Kilmer as the ghost of Porcius Cato, Gary Oldman as Scipio, and a stellar presentation by newcomer "Nipplario Siliconus" playing a woman scorned. This reviewer's favorite line came from Miss Siliconus's soliloquy that started: "Let his penis wither. Let his bones crack. Let him see his legions drown in their own blood..." Rating: 4 stars out of 5 -magialuna ************************************************ TRT Lunch Break News (Sponsored by The Roman Legion) HBO.COM. TRT is awaiting the outcome of the ROMESUCKS vs. ROME FORUM trial. According to court statements, ROMESUCKS had several character witnesses, including the reclusive but renown DANGEROUS DONG. Under questioning by D.A. Titus Pullo, DANG DONG is quoted as saying, "I believe ROMESUCKS can insult with the best of them when he posts on threads and ending several does not mean he's a last word freak. As a matter of fact, I rather like the name ROMESUCKS. Hell, I'd suck him!" It is our understanding that DANG DONG was almost held in contempt at that point; however, the all woman jury begged the judge to show mercy. During a break in the trial, D.A. Titus Pullo was seen talking with authorities and showing them his identification. Advertisement - Are you a man without a country? Have you been tossed out for killing your landlord's slaves? Or do you just like to march in parades? If this is your life and you're wondering what's to become of you, wonder no further. Join The Roman Legion! We'll train you in the art of raping and pillaging, whoremongering, dice, island survival, and swordsmanship! Don't wait, sign up now and march in our next Triumph Parade sometime after the Ides. -TeriKarma TRT NEWS ALERT! CINCECITTA STUDIOS, ROME. Titus Pullo was spotted today at Caesar's Triumph in another disguise; this time impersonating a man from what we think may be the 21st Century. He was seen dressed in some kind of a short-type shirt with a strange collar, and a wierd looking hat...kind of like Timon's Yamacha, but it had a brim. He also was wearing what appeared to be blue colored dressings of some type on his legs! When we asked our source what he thought Pullo was doing, he replied, "It's a mystery." Authorities have been contacted. Stay tuned. Ciao - TeriKarma TRT NETWORK SCHEDULE CHANGE Due to popular demand there will be a reairing of Halloween's EXTREME MAKEOVER-ROME "DEADITION". Tune in Friday at 8 to see: VERCINGETORIX get a haircut, shave, and a bath POMPEY get a new head and skin grafts for 100% of his 4th degree burned body CATO & GLABIUS get matching tummy tucks EVANDER get a set of silver thumbs courtesy of NOBODY NOSE NOBODY NOSE - With a new expanded inventory to replace all missing appendages Also, tune in Saturday for a VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF EXTREME MAKEOVER - ROME EDITION A young boy slave, mercilessly beat down on the happiest day of his life. Everyone had given him up for dead, but EXTREME MAKEOVER took him off his funeral pyre, vowing to give him a second chance. Will they succeed? Tune in Saturday to find out. -InsolentWretch here is a chronical of my recent episode of being drunker than fuck in Rome I was laying face down in the street for a while, marc antony came by and was kind enough to step on me, Atia came by a little later and spit on me, caesar drove his chariot over me, Servilia fell off her litter on top of me, then a bunch of hair landed by my face, Vorenus came by and told me to get up and act respectable, Niobe called me a bad name, Octavian came by and looked at my thumbs, Octavia came by and wanted to know if I wanted to fuck, but being drunker than fuck i could not do it, Pompey's ghost wandered by, i guess it's hard to see where you are going without a head, Cleopatra also came by, she was wetter than October or something like that, some loud mouth was going on about roman bread made by true rumheads, and finally titus pullo picked me up and started walking toward a stone column, I thought it was all over, I was sure i was going to meet arnold horshack, but he threw me into the sewer for some reason, after crawling from the sewer nobody would come near me, next i stumbled into a whore house and would you believe it there were 16 helen of troy's in there, i discovered i was broke and they flung me out into the street, another ghost came into view his name was versongatorade i think, he couldn't talk, somebody from the XIIIth tried to get me to enlist, even though I was drunker than fuck i was to smart for that, then some woman came by and measured my penis and said something about not being gift quality, then a group of men walked over me, they looked like mafia guys and were talking about someone to kiss the boss's feet, Brutus walked by and dropped a dagger, I picked it up for him. All in all it's not very pleasant getting drunker than fuck in Rome. One more thing Cleopatra dropped this funny looking pipe, it looked like there was still some tobacco in it so I took one of matches I managed to get at the whore house and lit it. After that I could not tell if it was day or night, that was the best damn tobacco i ever smoked, after that things seemed to get a lot more pleasant. As usual after getting drunker than fuck i returned here with no money, I can't remember anything beyond what i have said here. I swear i will never get drunker than fuck again, anyway I am home dear are you glad to see me. I wonder if pullo has any wine left? -epoch5 What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!" -Deni33 TRT NEWS BREAK ROME, ITALY. TRT has learned that Titus Pullo and Helen of Troy went head to head, or butt to butt in a "Who's Arse Could Blow the Biggest Fire". Helen, dainty as she might be, barely held on to the first round lead. We have learned that Posca, who presided as the Official Match Lighter, got his eyebrows singed, but is in good condition. Titus, who will be attempting a comeback in round two, as asked that a pole be brought in so he has something to hold on to. In other news, a suburb in Rome reports a gas leak that has virtually cleared out four city blocks. Authorities are trying to locate the leak as we speak. -TeriKarma TRT UPDATE - Our undercover reporter just learned that excess gas from this event will be bottled and used as weapons of mass destruction. It was further learned that truckloads of this gas will be moved to Pharsalus and hidden in the same cave that Pompey and his wife slept in during their brief stay there. Caesar who authorized the shipments out of Rome was heard telling Marc Antony, "This gas is protected by the Gods, I must not destroy it." later... -TeriKarma NEWS ALERT Four block gas explosion in Rome...Caesar's eyebrows singed...stay tuned... -TeriKarma TRT is proud to present: Strictly Sex With Dr. Drew DR DREW: "Welcome, welcome! Our show is focused on improving sexuality. Our first guests have traveled from the city of Rome to be here with us tonight..welcome panel!" CAESAR: "I am a demi-God, therefore sex with me is exquisite." A woman in the audience screams "I want to be your baby momma!" SERVILIA: "He lies. When he orgasms he convulses in a most repulsive way and foams at the mouth." The audience gasps a collective "Eyewwwww, gross!" DR DREW: "Now Servilia dear, we are not here to critize. Let's try to make this a positive effort, shall we?" CAESAR: "She is a spiteful woman who has lain naked on the streets of Rome!" Servilia starts carving a hex on the arm of her chair mumbling "All men are spineless pigs." ATIA: "Well I for one enjoy all aspects of sex...physical, political, dominance...sex is a wonderful tool!" The audience cheers and claps in agreement. OCTAVIA: "Mother, you'd have sex with anything that has a pulse. Uncle, sex with Servilia is most pleasant, oh dear..did I just say that? It must be the Moon!" ATIA: "Shut up! You fucked your brother you little whore! You'd fuck anything!" OCTAVIA: "Well at least I don't stink of horse turds mother." DR DREW: "Now people, we are not here to critize. Let's try to make this a positive effort, shall we? Let's welcome our next guests to the panel: Anthony, Pullo, Vorenus, Lydie, and Niobe." (pass if you care to?) -magialuna Elephant Explodes in Forum! ROME, ITALY - This just in, an elephant has exploded in the forum. Apparently 3 chariot-loads of emetics have backfired, so to speak. Jumbo, the lead elephant, has succumbed to a massive impaction and split wide open in a hail of blood, guts, and cac. "It looks like a war zone!" exclaimed witness Val Kilmer, who made the mistake of disguising himself as a shovel. "Jumping Jobe, the smeeeeellll..." The Brotherhood of Dung Shovelers remains steadfast in its strike, so clean-up may fall to the non-union Order of Gallic Slaves Who Really Have No Mumping Choice In The Matter. The other elephants are being inspected by Roto-Rooter in the hopes of allaying another such cactastrophe (pun intended). -TP FLASH!!!!! The worst disaster in Rome's history may be in the offing. The brotherhood of dung sweepers are still refusing to go back to work, not only will they not clean up elephant shit, a spokesman for the brotherhood said they will not clean up the mess left from Jumbo's explosion. elephant shit and gore are hip deep in the forum. Caesar was reached for comment a few seconds ago, "this shit has gotta stop" And now the news of the moment, the brotherhood of millers have launched a sympathy strike. This is the worst possible news, this means that if something is not done soon, Romans will be forced to eat elephant shit. I don't know about anybody else but this reporter cannot remember anything to compare to this in my life time. Wait a moment Titus Pullo is coming from the senate chambers. Once more he grabbs one of the brotherhood and sends him to meet arnold horshack. The elephant shit flinging between the brotherhood and the senators begins anew with greator fervor, the brotherhood of millers now joins the fray. Oh the humanity of it. This reporter is to broken up to continue, i will return with the latest after i compose myself, but for now this is Epoch5 dateline, Rome May the gods have mercy on us. -epoch5 PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT Caesar knows about the housing shortage here in Rome. And He, if no one else, is going to do something about it. Turn in your applications now for a space in the new housing development Elephant Dung Apartments! Very Hygenic! Room for your family and slaves. Free for one year to all citizens of Rome. -InsolentWretch TRT NEWS AT 11...okay 11:18. HBO.COM. TRT has been notified by HBOAdmin2963 that The Rome Tabloid will be bought out by HBO Execs who feel excessive misuse of the Tabloid with contrite and vulger contrivances must cease! In otherwords, we need to clean up our act! In a statement issued today, HBO was quoted as saying, "The Rome Tabloid needs to be responsible in their reporting and held accountable for their scourge of the forum." This is tough news for the Tabloid as they were in the middle of a big news event with the explosion of a pachaderm and all. The TRT Editor was reached at home and had this to say, "It's all hit the fan and starting to roll down hill at this point." Goodnight and goodluck. -TK Just in from RNN (Roman News Network) Caesar will be making a announcement momentarily, here he comes now. "My fellow Romans I have had enough of this shit" "The brotherhood of dung sweepers has one last chance to call off this strike, if they do not, the shit will hit the fan." "I appeal to the brotherhoods sense of decency." "The forum is now neck deep in elephant shit and two more large elephants blew-up this morning due to blockage". "The last of the bread was eaten this morning, tomorrow we will be eating elephant shit". I appeal to the brotherhood of millers to return to work now" "I am told the elephant shit is now spilling from the forum into the great circus" "Mixing with the horse shit in the circus" "I have ordered the 1st through the XXth legions to stand by." "If these strikes are not over by morning I will be forced to order the legions to kick the shit out of you." Thank You my fellow romans and good night. Well there you have it Caesar has drawn a line in the sand, with the two striking factions. I will be standing by here all night, in case of any breakthroughs. I will be here in the morning to bring you second by second coverage of events as they happen. Pray to the gods that this crisis will end peacefully. Epoch5 for the RNN news network. -epoch5 The Shit Has Hit The Fan! Lysandros Metalnos, a huge fan of elephant cac, was gazing upon the source of his obsession when the pachyderm's laxative kicked in. It took more than two days for the Order of Gallic Slaves Who've No Mumping Choice In The Matter to shovel him out. Lysandros emerged dehydrated and smelly but otherwise in good condition. Asked how he survived, Metalnos replied, "Bloody good thing I've got no fucking NOSE!" -TP WALGREEN DRUG STORES - PHARMACIUM delivery - 24/7 tool free - 1-800-Walgreen HABLAMOS ESPAÑOL FALAMOS PORTUGUÊS NOUS PARLONS FRANSEIS DEUTSCH SPRAHEN WE SPEAK PLEBEIAN @#$%¨¨&* AS WELL -Deni33 TRT AFTERNOON NEWS ALERT HBO.COM. FIRE AT HBO EXECS OFFICES! TRT News has learned that a fire broke out on www.hbo.com early this morning. Over 1000 legionaires with buckets have been working most of the day attempting to put out the fire. When asked how it started, HBOAdmin2762, who barely escaped with his life, stated, "Well, our CEO was meeting privately in his office with Helen of Troy at around 9 a.m. and all of a sudden, Helen comes running out shouting fire, fire!" Hopefully the web site can be salvaged. Very sad indeed. Later.. -TK Breaking News from RNN news Epoch5 Reporting. The elephant shit crisis at the forum took a bazaar turn this morning. A spokesman for the senate announced this morning that the elephant shit that spilled over into the circus maximus and mixed with the horse shit there, yesterday, started a strange chemical reaction this morning. It seems that the reaction is causing the shit to expand at exponential rates. The eminent scientist Valerius Bigus Dickus was called in to analyze the reaction. he reported that if a way isn't found to stop the expansion of the shit, that Rome will truly be in deep shit by noon tomorrow, 40 feet of it to be exact. Valerius Bigus Dickus also stated that within 2 weeks Italy would be in deep shit to, and one month the entire known world would also be in deep shit. He further reported that if the brotherhood of dung sweepers did not unite with the brotherhood of millers to clean this shit up by 5:30 a.m., the shit would be unstoppable. Caesar has been strangely silent today. The graffiti around the city seems to be suggesting that Caesar stirred this shit up. A small faction of senators led by Brutus is starting to call for caesars removal. Caesar said bull shit on that. The legions are standing by poised for action, but Caesar and the senate seem to be unable to act, much to the chagrin of the Roman people. Valerius Bigus Dickus works tonight at a feverish pace to find a way to stop this shit. Our prayers are with him. Marc Antony could not be reached for comment today, it is rumored that he is some where getting drunker than shit. Titus Pullo of Permanent Solutions for Perplexing Problems has sent 47 brotherhood members to meet arnold horshack, but still the brotherhood will not budge. Pullo also has a lot of shit to clean up. Again I will be standing by here all night, to bring you breaking developments. I don't know about everyone else but i am scared shitless. Epoch5 Rnn news. -epoch5 TRT NEWS ALERT! THE WHOLE WORLD IS IN DEEP SHIT!!! News at 11... -TK THIS JUST IN According to GJCaesar, Gaul Mart is set for a grand opening by the Ides of March. Besides bringing more jobs to the people of Rome, Gaul Mart is also bringing more affordable slaves!! According to Magistrate L. Vorenus, they will be offering a grand opening sale where you get a free toga with a purchase of a slave. There will also be a small market, funded by the Roman Millers, located inside Gaul Mart. For great low prices, quality slaves, and clean white togas that stay white even when you wade through the filth, shop Gaul Mart. Hail Caesar!! -tallyho91 TRT MORNING COFFEE BREAK. ROME, ITALY. TRT has learned that some people are upset about the new Gaul-Mart being built in ROME. In an interview with user Environmentalus, he had this to say, "The heck with ROME wading through shit....what about the Gaul-Mart! They can't bring no stinkin Gaul-Mart here. The parking lot alone will pollute the aquaducts with all that elephant dung from the chariot wheels running down hill! I'm staging a protest. ARE YOU WITH ME?" -TK TRT MORNING NEWS HBO.COM. Episode 11 will be preempted AGAIN tonight by a speech from activist Environmentalus regarding SAVE THE AQUADUCTS! "This is important." said Environ. "We don't need no stinkin Gaul Mart...all they sell are whore hangers and cheap sunglasses! The next thing you know they'll be putting in a MacRoman's...we've got to stop it!" Environmentalus did attempt to get protest permit from the magistrate, but TRT understands that with only 4 people marching, there wasn't one needed. Stay tuned. -TK TRT NOTICE. All complaints should be submitted in a Letter to the Editor. Epoch5, since this is your second complaint the Editor wishes to acknowlege your complaint in its original form. Dear Mr. 5, TRT hears your complaint about screwing the aquaducts and the Gaul Mart and are wondering how you will be going about doing this? Screwing an aquaduct is quite a feat, but we presume the aquaduct will be wet as October so you should not have any problem there. Now the Gaul Mart on the otherhand may be tricky. TRT has never seen anyone screw a Gaul Mart before, but our recommendation is to use the back door when entering. Hope this helps. Respectfully, The Editor -TK TRT NEWS BRIEF ROME, ITALY. In an unprecedented move today Walgreens has secured the Lawfirm of Pullo & Vorenus to file suit against the monolith Gaul Mart citing, endangerment to business. A PR spokesperson for Walmart had this to say, "We don't need no stinkin Gaul Mart! They'll put us out of business." The suit, which asks for 5 hundrend thousand thousand thousand thousand and 2 cents is being filed by D.A. Pullo today. D.A. Pullo conveyed the 2 cents is to convey Walgreens' opinion on the matter. Stay tuned... -TK ´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´$¶´´´´´¶´´´´´¶¢ ´´´´´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´¶¢´´´¶´´´ø¶ ´´´´´´´´´´¶¶´´´´ø¶¶¶´´´´´´oø´´ø´´øo ´´´´´´´´´´¶7´´´´´´´¶¶¶´´´´´´1´´´1´´´´1o ´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´¶¶¶7´´´´´´´´1o¶¶¶ø ´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´1 ´´´´´o¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶ø´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´o$¢ ´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´´´´¢´´1ø´´´1¶¶o ´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶o´´´´´´´1$´´´¶ ´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´¶´´´´o¶´ ´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´¶¶ ´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´ ´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´ ´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´ ´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶ BOMB BOMB BOMB EXTRA EDITION: Slaves are on strike - they refuse to work. NOW THEY HAVE A LEADER. His name is Spartakus. It a very dangerous situation but I'll try to interview Spartakus and see what are their demands! If I do not come back - advise my mother TRT - you heard here first -Deni33 TRT NEWS EMERGENCY BROADCAST...beep...beep...beep...beep...beeeeeeppppp.... The Legionnaire Bomb Squad was called out this evening to undetonate the virtual bomb in the last post. Rumor has it that Spartikus was annoyed about all the shit going on, so he spent all day typing in doo hickeys on his keyboard to make the bomb. T. Pullo, lead bomb squad expert, is deleting all the ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,'s; however, if he deletes the wrong "," it may explode! We'll report more on this later. -TK Letters to the Editor Dear Editor: I want to register my dissatisfaction with a local business, Pullo's Forum Haircuts. Two of the lads and I wanted to get spruced up for a little gladiator show and needed a quick trim. We stopped in to see Mr. Pullo, only to find the lazy lout sitting in the sand, refusing to attend to any of the customers gathered around. When we quite politely asked for his attention, he arrogantly refused, saying he did not have to service us if he did not want to. Well what can I say? Such poor service would irk anyone. After a few harsh words, Pullo did attend to us, but in a most unprofessional manner. He used a pike to seat one of my companions, took too much off the side of my other companion and way too much off the top of my head. The fool even used the base end of my shield for what should have been a simple trim. Needless to say, Mr. Pullo will not be getting any more of my business. I would encourage your readers to also avoid taking your hair trimming business to him either. Sincerely, Glabius Maximums -WhenInDoubtTortureAPleb Social Notes--- Joanus Riverus You can take the girl out of the subura, but you cannot take the subura out of the girl. And that was the case last night when Magistrate Lucius Vorenus and his wife Niobe attended a symposium at the well appointed house of Atia of the Juli. What can I say but Niobe, get a new dress maker or at least one who is not so into bling. In other news, Marc Antony and the hostess were seen canoodling in a darkened passageway during the wee hours of the morning. Is reconciliation in the air? With a mean and hungry look about him, Brutus was seen skulking away from Caesar's Palace late into the night. -anyacat My Dear Glabius, as a former client of Mr Pullo I could have told you that he is an artiste who demands absolute silence while he works.Any mention of the number XIII and he loses all concentration and begins hacking and cutting in a most haphazard manner.I am now reduced to wearing wigs as a result of his latest hack job.Incidentally I have an original Cleo wig that I have been dying to get rid of.Why don't you stop by after your appointment if you are able. Respectfully, For the editor, A fellow Victim. P.S Never ever mention the XIII if you value your hair. -boadicea TRT HEADLINE TEASER BRUTUS' "CONNIVING CUNT" BIRTHMARK GROWS BACK details at 11 -InsolentWretch ´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´$¶´´´´´¶´´´´´¶¢ ´´´´´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´¶¢´´´¶´´´ø¶ ´´´´´´´´´´¶¶´´´´ø¶¶¶´´´´´´oø´´ø´´øo ´´´´´´´´´´¶7´´´´´´´¶¶¶´´´´´´1´´´1´´´´1o ´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´¶¶¶7´´´´´´´´1o¶¶¶ø ´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´1 ´´´´´o¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶ø´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´o$¢ ´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´´´´¢´´1ø´´´1¶¶o ´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶o´´´´´´´1$´´´¶ ´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´¶´´´´o¶´ ´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´¶¶ ´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´ ´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´ ´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´ ´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶ EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA Dear Readers, Things are really tense at the rebels' camp this morning! Rebels are well-armed, trenched, willing to measure forces with XIIIth S.S.A.T! What a fight ladies and gentlemen! S.S.A.T. (Special Swords Attack Team) chief, who prefers to remain incognito for security reasons, reveled to our sources that they will not tolerate this sort to amotination. This special squad were trained by Comander Lucius Vorenus and Sub-Comander legionarius 1st class, Tito Pulo to perform dangerous operations that can include coordinated attacks on selected targets such as heavily armed slave rebels. After a long horse-back journey, immensurable exchange of p-mails (papyrus-mails) infinite negotiations and our promise to all possible gods to keep their hiding place at the most absolute sigil, I finally succeeded to interview Mr. Spartakus, the leader of this revolution. TRT: Mr. Spartakus, as a slave (blade on my throat) errrrr former slave, what are you intentions with this rebellion? What are your demands? Spartakus: Well, considering the number of local citizens I thought - well we may be slaves but we are in a greater number. TRT: I really don't understand you point Mr. Spartakus (blade on my stomach) errr could you be more specific. SP: We are tired of being treated like slaves ... TRT: But MR. Spartakus - you are slaves how would you like to be treated? SP: Let me finish ... TRT: (blade on my toes!) Sorry sir, please go on ... SP: We are tired of being treated like slaves, we are here to defend our rights as Romans citizens - most of us where born here and still we are suffering all kinds of prejudice! Enough! We want better salaries! TRT: You are slaves we don't receive salaries! SP: Well, we want salaries then! And benefits - medical (no friend's kitchen - real Ers), dental, social security, driver license, previous advice of, at least 30 days, in case the owner wants to sell us or trade us. 30 days holidays, work registration. 13th bonus salary, 14th bonus salaries, plus profit participations of, at least 10%/year! TRT: anything else? SP: Yes, bring a negotiator here immediately. If dominus want us back - send someone to talk to us or else ... This is deni33 reporting (a)live from the rebels advanced post exclusively for TRT - you heard here first ... Stay tuned - extraordinary editions at any time. -Deni33 TRT NEWS BREAK Our TRT news reporter is still at the bomb scene. It appears the bomb squad expert, T. Pullo, was not able to undetonate the Sparticus bomb. He tried to delete two ,,'s but it did not turn off the timer. Now he's looking to use a c&p (cut and paste) technique that he used in when he undetonated the famous CLICKY bomb. Niobe is bringing him some Aventine water as we watch. Stay tuned. -TK TRT EVENING NEWS AVENTINE, ITALY. The funeral of Arnold Horshack was held today prior to his creamation. Many dignitaries showed up for this sad occasion, including Gabe Kottar and Vinnie Barbarino. Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington gave the eulogy. Eriene was dressed in a black empire dress with a matching black shawl. Rumor has it that Niobe lent her this as the only other dress Eirene had was white and gave her bad memories. See Horshack's obituatary in the Rome Obituary thread. -TK ADVERTISEMENT It slices, it dices, you can use it as a toboggan! New, from Roncous, the handy dandy slicer-dicer-tea tray, the all purpose gift for the man who has everything. Large enough to hold a full tea service, yet sturdy enough to use as a guillotine. Made of sturdy Roman Bronze, this handy household item can hold two on a toboggan run. Only $39.95, excluding tax, shipping and handling. Roncous, handy household products for handy Romans. -anyacat ADVERTISEMENT********* Are you tired of your dull knives and swords when chopping limbs? If your answer is yes, then we have just the appliance for you. The new Ginsu Shield-o-Matic. It slices, dices, and clean cuts heads right off. Simply place the shield in front of you, press down firmly and with one quick thrust off comes the head! It's as simple as that. It's UL approved (test on hundreds of heads) and comes with a lifetime sharp guarantee. So next time when you're in the arena and you find yourself with a dull sword, remember you could've gotten ahead with the Shield-o-Matic! -TK Obituaries Horshak, Arnold, suddenly, of natural causes when he tripped and fell against a stone column, repeatedly. Married in his heart to Eirne. Services were held yesterday, Vorenii Funeral Home, the Subura. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in Mr. Horshak's name to the Home for Repentant Veterans. -anyacat TRT Breaking News! This reporter witnessed a hellacious brawl that broke out at our own beloved Gaul Cafe. The warrior Shinzon took on a hoard of invaders killing a tribune with one stroke of his Ginsu Shield-o-Matic. Bouncers were said to have been out back having a pipe break. More as it comes available. -magialuna This just in: The civil case against the soldiers of the Xth legion has began in Rome's Lower Aventine Court today.Mabinio,a fabric worker has accused several soldiers of the Xth of breaking his pisspots which he uses to store piss to make his fabric.Mabinio has retained the services of Maius Nigiddius as legal counsel.The soldiers of the Xth tried to get Public Defender T.Pullo Esq to take their case but were told "I'd rather suck Pluto's thorny cock" by Mr Pullo.They were able to retain the services of Priscus Miauvus who they have promised to protect from Bullies in lieu of payment. We will now transmit a live feed of the case which our reporter is able to send to us by carrier pigeon. Magistrate Vorenus Presiding Mascius,Valerius,Lucellus soldiers of the Xth Legion have been accused of wanton destruction of the aforementioned pisspots. Magistrate V: We Begin. Who speaks for the corpses? Maius: I Maius Nigiddius. Magistrate V: Who speaks for the accused? Priscus: I Priscus Maiuvus. Mag.V: Accusator Proceed. Citizens,friends when I was told of the destruction of Mabinio's pisspots I was deeply saddened.Perfectly good pisspots stabbed,broken and hacked to pieces by wretched specimens like these,but I was not surprised.These horrors have become commonplace.I will not take your time with lengthy proof of their guilt.Look at them!It's not open to question we all know they are guilty.To add insult to injury these wretched specimen refuse to name their paymaster. Crowd: Caesar,Caesar. Maius:We name no name citizens,we cannot know.We might very well guess.Is there punishment for monsters such as these? Mag.V: Do not pose questions,speak directly. Maius:There is no punishment severe enough for barbarians such as these. Crowd: Boo,boo. Priscus: These men are nothing but helpless (ducks cabbage)servants.tools puppets(ducks pisspot) we should feel pity not anger.How do we know it was soldiers. It could have been gladiators simulating.These Roman bitches, these soldiers have done nothing but fuck and eat and fuck since they got home.They did not know these pisspots existed until they didn't.(ducks piss being thrown at him.) Mag.V: You are not under goat skin now brother.Are you trying to say they are innocent? Priscus: Well No.(ducks cabbage). Mag.V: The soldiers of the Xth are found guilty and have been sentenced to replacing Mabinio's pisspots and piss with their own. This is Jennius Jonesus reporting live from the Lower Aventine Courthouse. -boadicea Classified Section: For Sale Weapons, Used: One iron Mace of heavy weight and wonderful decoration. The weapon head is a skull with horns that will drive fear into even the boldest enemies. Some cleaning required to remove blood, dirt, lung, and heart debris. Also available: seven gladius slightly used. See the widow of Monstorii Gigantius at hovel number VII by the arena. ------------------------------------------------------- Clothing, Used: One dress size medium of home woven bold striped cloth. Sleeves have gold striping and neck is accented with gold droplets. Perfect for that special street party. See Niobe V in the Aventine. ------------------------------------------------------- -magialuna